She's kind of a ball buster.
She told me she's being a little hard on me because she thinks it's what I want.
And it's true.
She said if she was being incredibly easy on me she'd say much more, I can see how you'd feel that way's.
I told her I don't want that at all.
So she said, Ok then, stop judging yourself.
Apparently I'm too hard on myself.
It's peculiar to have a stranger figure out so quickly things you weren't even aware you were doing.
I didn't want to tell you that I talked to him, I admitted.
Of course you talked to him, she replied too quickly.
Then we just stared at each other.
That was kind of the moment I fell in love.
I don't know why it took a gun for me to finally seek out a therapist but it's really kind of wonderful.
Maybe if I'd started seeing a therapist after my first abusive relationship when I was 19 I wouldn't have begun dating a string of withholding, unavailable, manipulative, narcissists.
Maybe I'd be married with three kids.
HA.
But seriously.
It's comforting to have someone in my life trained in what the fuck is going on with me.
I told her about this vivid nightmare I had, and I never remember my dreams, and this one was in such detail.
And I thought it was so strange for it to suddenly all come up so vividly.
And she said I'm right on schedule.
Enough time has passed that the shock has dissipated and my mind has a little space, and is now trying to work it out.
And here I thought I was just bats.
Everything is more complicated now and there are still very real parts of me that want to cling to things that remind me of my hopeful 20's.
Because I think that naive girl is still a part of me.
At least I really want her to be.
Redemption, Reese, you want everyone to be redeemed.
And maybe they will.
Maybe they all will.
Wouldn't that be grand?
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