I'd seen him once in a month.
O N C E.
I'd heard from him a mere handful of times.
After seeing him Wednesday things seemed so uncertain I asked him if he wanted to see me anymore, to which he replied, "I don't know."
Ugh.
"I don't know" had been the mantra of Sheldon when I thought we were going to get back together for an entire YEAR.
Hearing a man say "I don't know" was the kiss of death in my book.
Cue exit music.
But he had already bought a ticket to my show.
"Yeah, IF he shows up," my cast mate had told me.
Because that's how most of us think: People will let you down. People don't come through for you.
So every day after that I heard from him.
He texted me every day.
And he hadn't communicated with such frequency since that first week we spent together.
I tried desperately not to read too much into it, as I'm wont to do, and just feel valued to be thought of with such consistency.
Until I'm drunk with my best friends and look down at my phone and read--
Babe. I send Love your way. Goodnight.
He'd never used to word L O V E before.
Surely that wasn't an accident?
Was it?
I'm the Queen of reading way too much into anything and everything and I really didn't want to hear something he wasn't saying but--
What was that supposed to mean?
And saying that the night after making me think things were over and he didn't know if he wanted to see me anymore??
So, understandably, the day of the show, I was so nervous I couldn't eat.
I have NEVER been one of those girls that's like, 'Oh, I'll just have a small salad.'
I LOOOVE food.
And I'd gone to the store & gotten a yogurt parfait--I'm so fucking addicted to those lately, I don't know what's up with that!--but I couldn't eat one bite.
I had coffee. And water.
That's it.
He texted, I will be seeing you soon.
And I almost wet myself.
I drank a lot of fucking water.
The cast was all lined up in the hallway waiting to go on while the director made his opening speech.
"Do you see a cute guy in a tux?" I asked two of the girls in the show who were closer to the audience than I was.
'No, we don't see anyone.'
I sighed. Doubt sunk in.
I wonder if he's even gonna show up.
And within the same breath, he walked in.
Both girls who'd been searching for him saw him the same time I did & they gasped.
'There he is!!'
He saw me and smiled and tossed me a small wave.
'Oh, he's CUTE!' They shared in my excitement.
Shit.
Now I was REALLY fucking nervous.
The show went on and I felt so proud of my performance.
Musically, I felt very connected to my voice and hit every one of my high notes with the best precision I'm capable of.
Acting wise, I had an absolute ball and felt focused in every scene.
I really gave it my absolute all.
And throughout the show, several times throughout, while I wasn't performing, we both managed to make eye contact and smile at each other.
He even blew me a kiss once.
It was so fucking cute.
Him sitting there in his tux, tossing his shaggy hair occasionally to get his bangs out of his face.
And me trying desperately to watch the scene in progress from my seat. When all I wanted to do was stare at his stupidly adorable face.
The show ended and we left the stage.
Flooded with excitement I was the first to leave the green room because of how anxious I was to see him.
He already was walking into the hallway when I rushed out and threw my arms around him in a big hug.
'You were amazing,' he said.
And we just stood there.
Staring at each other.
And staring.
'That face,' he said.
"What about my face?" I wanted to hear more.
'I have no idea what my face is doing at all. Ever! And you seem aware of everything your face is doing. You were wonderful.'
He looked me up and down.
'And you look amazing.'
I looked at him adoringly.
'That first song that one girl sang, about marriage, I thought, I wanna hear her sing that,' he continued pointing at me and then leaned his head against the wall.
'I have to go,' he said, sadly.
"I know, you have your concert. Thank you so much for coming."
I paused and stared at him again for probably much too long.
"I hope I get to see you again soon."
We looked at each other and he suddenly leaned in and kissed me, a slow, long kiss.
And even though I heard murmurs of people around me, it was like the world fell away and the only thing existing in that moment was us.
He stopped and looked at me but I kept my eyes closed a moment longer.
'I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.'
He started to walk away.
'Fuck!' He cried out, the way he did on our first couple dates, in this hilarious tourrets sort of way.
Which had become our inside joke.
Like, kissing each other was so insanely wonderful, it turned us on to the point of explosion. And there was nothing you could do or say except squeak out a 'Fuck!'
I laughed as I turned and watched him walk away.
It was exactly the perfect thing for him to say.
Because that meant he still felt as connected to me as he had on that first date.
I was radiant.
I felt so beautiful.
I had dreamed that someday a man would be so moved by my singing, by watching me perform, that he would fall in love with me.
And I had told one of my best friends that week that if he came to my show and wasn't moved to be with me after hearing me sing, when singing is my heart, when it's my soul, then he wasn't the right man for me anyway.
Because the right man would be drawn to me, seeing my talent and passion unveiled.
And he was so moved, he looked at me starry eyed.
My cast mate told me she watched his face when I was performing and that his face lit up when I was up there.
'He was starry eyed,' she told me later.
And that's exactly what I'd felt!
It was also the first time he'd ever kissed me with my red lipstick on.
Most guys are weird about lipstick so I always make a point to wipe it off during the course of a date or simply not wear it.
But my red lipstick is a part of who I am.
And I've only had one man in my life be so passionate about me that he just grabbed my face and kissed me with my red lipstick on.
But he was married.
And I don't want to talk about it.
So he not only was moved by my performance to kiss me, he didn't care about the lipstick!
It was perfect.
I felt like I was in a movie.
Later he texted me, Got to rehearsal and didn't realize I was covered in lipstick...
I mean, how fucking adorable is that?
I was starring in my very own romantic comedy.
And then, jump to today--
And the magic is gone.
And he got back from his camping adventures and was the same distant man who'd uttered "I don't know" where "Of course" should have been on Wednesday.
"Can't we just meet sometime this week and spend time together?" I tried to reason with him.
'What would be the point?' He said, defeated. 'I already told you what I'm going through and I haven't been making you a priority. So. I'm just not the right person for you right now.'
And that was that.
I ended the conversation angry and hung up.
HE was the one that didn't want to spend time with me.
HE was the one that didn't want me.
And he seemed annoyed by the fact I'd texted while he was away seeking clarification.
But I had no idea what the fuck we were to each other!!
And how could I know if what I felt Saturday was even real?
When you're in love you believe what you want to believe, you see what you want to see.
How could I know if I hadn't just imagined the whole thing?
But it didn't matter.
Because whatever the moment was, it was over.
But I KNEW what I'd seen and felt had been real.
You can't see love in someone's eyes if it's not there.
Our eyes are the gateways to our soul.
And if he would have met me instead of hiding behind his phone today, I doubt we would have said goodbye.
Because our eyes wouldn't have let us.
Because how could they when we're so obviously crazy about each other?
But a man in grief, a man battling tragedy, a man who doesn't know me well enough to let me into his shattered world, can't receive my love.
And I can't spend my life waiting for a man to be strong enough to have me.
I'm a passionate, vibrant, sexual, loving woman.
And surely there was a man somewhere who wanted to be in my bed as much as I was desperate for him to be in mine.
And I was going to find it.
Fuck.
And to find that feeling again.
But God damnit.
I really wanted it to be him.
I wanted those starry eyes in my world.
Desperately.
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