I woke up and Facebook, stupid fucking Facebook and its 'On this Day' bullshit that reminds you of everything that no longer is, was the first thing I saw.
There he was.
That face.
And in one of those rare moments where he was actually looking at the camera.
It hurt my heart for all those years the way he refused to take photos with me, refused to look into the camera, or smile, or even be willing just to stand there beside me and let me capture that moment.
Because photography fills this cry in my heart.
The way music does.
But he never understood any of that.
Except.
Except on this particular day, in this particular moment, we sat on the barstools of Barlow, my best friend too, and he looked at the camera.
And he didn't frown.
And that was the night he saw my performance and heard me sing.
The night I drank too much and he took care of me and my friend said she saw for the first time how much he cared for me.
The night I desperately hoped things would work out with the guy who already knew he was ending things.
And Kai left us that night and his text appeared on my phone, I hope things work out for you.
God dammit.
I'd never felt more loved by my friend.
I'd never felt closer to him.
And it was like this unknown farewell.
Because everything changed after that.
My love's chivalry was writhing in its death bed and Kai said we couldn't be friends anymore.
As though you could actually break up with a friend.
And I lost my lover and my best friend in the same month.
And fuck, just remembering all of it made me nearly cry.
All these months later.
And Em and I walked along the waterfront and in the parts of the city him and I had walked a thousand times.
We went to the same juice bar he'd taken me too.
And past the Chinese garden where he took what is to this day one of my favorite photos of me.
And we went climbing, at the very gym I first began climbing with Kai.
And he was there.
Through all of it.
And I haven't called him.
And I haven't seen him.
In a year.
And my heart.
My wretched, stubborn heart wants to reach out.
But I don't.
Something always stops me.
Violently halting the cry of my heart.
And I suddenly shared the trembling shatterings of my heart.
And she asked, But is your life really any less richer without him?
And I stopped.
And I looked across the river.
No, I whispered.
It's actually richer.
And my heart.
My heart wants him to still love me.
My heart wants to go back to that night, that night Facebook wanted me to know was exactly 365 days ago, and I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hold him so tight.
In those tan pants and that wool t shirt that still had a hole in it.
Because I know now that it all ends there.
And maybe I can just accept that he really does hope things work out for me.
Even if he won't see another moment of it.
And somewhere in the quiet caverns of my heart I whisper out across the water and the city lights, where he's walking along some side street, They have. They did work out. And I wish you could see how happy I am. Happy without you. As I hope you are without me.
My darling.
God I hope you miss me.
Your weird girl.
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