Hopeless Unromantic

I'm watching 'Pushing Daisies' for the first time. 

Which is a little ridiculous, I know, considering the show was on the air years ago, back when people still read books instead of playing with their iPhones & Bush was still in the White House. 

My best friend has been encouraging me to watch the show for ages, not just because it's cute but because she knows how much I love Kristin Chenoweth, Broadway Goddess. 

And the show IS cute. 

But.

It's also incredibly sentimental & so saccharin sweet I find myself slightly nauseated. 

I didn't used to be so pragmatic.

I guess age does that. 

I met this couple once who'd recently gotten engaged & when I asked how he proposed she told me this story about how on their first date he gave her flowers & a box with all these different things that related to what they were gonna do on their date. 

'Had you met before, were you already friends?' I queried. 

No.

It was their first date. 

And for the proposal he asked for the box back saying he hadn't used it for one of their dates in awhile & then put the engagement ring under a bunch of marshmallows in the box. 

Yes. 

Marshmallows.

They ended up having s'mores on the beach. 

I politely smiled throughout her story & validated it with the required "that's so sweet."

When the reality was I thought if any guy ever gave me a box of activities along with flowers the first time he met me I'd think he was a giant wackadoo. 

Let's take it down a notch, sweetie. 

Maybe we can just start with you buying my Old Fashioned. 

I might have thought that was adorable ten years ago. 

But now? 

It's just so over the top. 

It's like a bad movie script for some rom com I wouldn't like starring Katherine Heigl.

That bitch annoys the hell outta me. 

I've become more of a practical Carrie Bradshaw. 

Remember when she was dating the Russian & they were headed to the opera & she's in the couture gown he spoiled her with & a string quartet is playing in the street & he asks her to dance & she faints & then looks at him & says, It's too much. You gotta take it down a notch. I'm a New Yorker.

And so instead they go to McDonalds & have a night that isn't dripping in sappy romance novel events. 

I feel the same way. 

But I feel guilty for not being a mushy gushy hopeless romantic anymore. 

I used to be. 

Back when I thought I was gonna marry the guy I lost my V card to. 

I wonder whatever happened to that fucker.....

I think I just feel like real love is so much simpler. 

And there's something ingenuine about it when it's so showy. 

This coming from the most flashy dramatic diva Portlandia's ever seen. 

But I don't want my great Love Story to be that way. 

I'm enough sparkle for my life.  

If I find love, I want it to merely shimmer, in a subtle way. 

Just the way it is. 

Uncomplicated.

Pure.

Passion.

That's just the kinda girl I am.