"97 Subscribers."
I was at 101 Subscribers which felt like some sort of huge accomplishment, like hitting 100 legitimized me or something.
Which is absolutely ridiculous but it's how I felt.
And I didn't know when exactly it happened but I'd lost 4 Subscribers.
Now a normal reaction would have been, 'Who Cares.'
But it hurt my feelings.
It felt like the popular girl at school didn't want to come to my birthday party.
Sad panda.
Followers and Subscribers are fickle creatures.
My followers on Instagram go up and down nearly every day.
And because my numbers are so low I notice when there's one more or four less there.
I notice everything.
But it really bothered me how much it bothered me.
I actually thought, My audience isn't liking my videos.
And from as subjective a point of view as I can have about my own art, my videos are arguably better than they've been since I started making them.
The editing is getting tighter, the content is getting more focused.
I'm more comfortable in front of the camera.
So why would people not want to follow or subscribe anymore?
My first experience with this rejection was when Ireland unsubscribed and unfollowed me on Youtube & Instagram.
It had the same effect as Sheldon un friending me on Facebook.
Slap in my shocked pale face.
What ever did I do??
Social media rejection is embarrassingly painful to me.
My brain understands I shouldn't give a fuck.
But my emotions run around waving their gloved hands in the air crying, Why don't they like me? I want to be adored! I want to be seen!
Do you know the real reason I was upset about Ireland?
I mean, the whole truth and nothing but the truth reason?
It wasn't that he secretly had another girlfriend and I was the sexy little side dish.
It wasn't that he wanted us "to take a break" & "not speak to each other for awhile."
I was upset that he wasn't a Subscriber anymore and he wasn't going to be watching my videos.
On one of our dates he'd said casually, "I've seen all your videos."
And my heart paused long enough to let in a breath of love because that made me FEEL loved.
And feeling like he was no longer my "fan" broke my diva heart.
That's how ragingly narcissistic and histrionic I am.
I don't want true love.
I want FANS.
How screwed up am I?
I heard an interview with Katharine Hepburn once and she said she never wanted to be a great actress, she wanted to be famous.
And she was both.
Ireland told me I might be histrionic and I had to google what the hell he was talking about.
So.
What if I am?
Just a little.
Every actress is.
It's why we crave the attention of the world.
Life is my audience.
And everyone's a critic.
And I can't please everyone.
So shortly after my heart formed a bruise around the rejection of my unknown unsubscribers, I got an email notification that some other Youtuber had commented on my video.
And I instantly felt better.
Embarrassed at how much better I felt.
Why was I so fucking needy for validation from people I didn't even care about?
I don't know.
But I am.
And I'm a hopeless optimist which is why I think I'll actually hear from Ireland again someday and he'll Subscribe to my videos again.
Sheldon is my Facebook friend again.
So I guess that means anything is possible.
And whatever happens, you know I'll notice.
Because it all matters way too much.
Even though none of it changes who I am.
Hair freshly pin curled, nails freshly painted, Peggy Lee crooning on the radio.
I am happy.
I am what I am.
And you, dear world, can take me or leave me.
Or take me.
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