Happy Birthday, ResaStar

My birthday was a few days ago. 

And it was unlike any I've ever had. 

It made me feel old. 

Ever since I can remember I've always had a big birthday party with all my friends. 

I think one year I even had something like 30 friends come over. 

This year I saw two friends. 

One of which most people still think of as my "ex boyfriend" so I don't know if he even counts. 

Everyone else was busy. 

I understand being busy. 

I understand being exhausted. 

We all have a lot going on. 

I get it. 

But I thought even if it was a small gathering I'd still have cocktails with some of my friends. 

Sort of a Sex & the City drinks & dish fest. 

But no one showed up. 

My best friend had the day off & we got to spend the afternoon together before her performance that night, which was lovely. 

My parents met me for dinner, last minute, because thankfully my parents are always there for me. 

And Sheldon said I could come over & play Mariokart. 

He even downloaded the new tracks & everything. 

And it was actually a very charming day. 

But it was so peculiar to me that all of my close girlfriends couldn't meet me for a drink. 

And I think that's what made me feel so old.

Because when you're a kid, your friends are your world. 

Birthday parties are written on the calendar weeks in advance & your party outfit, all planned, down to the matching hair ribbon. 

But when you're an adult you hardly have time to see your friends. 

You'll text occasionally & like each other's Selfies but you rarely spend time together. 

And the only way you even know what's going on in anyone's lives is by reading their status updates. 

"Did your brother call you?" My Dad asked at dinner. 

I laughed & said no. 

"Did he text?"

"No, Dad."

"He didn't wish you a Happy Birthday?" Dad asked concerned. 

"He wrote on your Facebook wall," Mom chimed in. 

And that's how it goes. 

People don't call each other anymore. 

People rarely make plans to spend time together & even if they do it's common to cancel at the last minute. 

I do it too. 

It's how grown ups are. 

And honestly. 

It all made me feel really lonely. 

I went to the rock gym alone to Boulder on my birthday. 

And as I sat on the mat I looked down at my hands, covered in chalk. 

I couldn't believe that of all the things I could do on my birthday one of the things I wanted to do was climb. 

I used to just be so frightened by it. 

And now it made me feel strong. 

And I'm not saying I had a miserable birthday because no one loved me enough to make me a priority. 

But the point is that this was the first birthday where I felt truly AGED. 

I felt some young part of myself flicker out, almost imperceptibly.  

And I didn't know if that was necessarily a bad thing. 

But it felt something akin to growing pains. 

It was the same part of me that wasn't sure if I wanted to get married anymore. 

That pure hope that sprinkled my youth was faint & more scarce now. 

Pragmatism & reason had traded places with it.

And I guess that's all just part of growing up. 

But that's fine. 

Because people change & they drift apart. 

And I don't need to have 30 friends come to my birthday party anymore. 

Because having one friend take the time to meet me and stand in front of the giant Christmas tree downtown just because I love it and just be there, with me, is enough. 

The world can Follow me or comment on my photos and judge me without me knowing. 

But the rare handful of people who are really in my life, who hug me to remind me I'm not alone......

They're the greatest gifts a birthday girl could wish for. 

And I am grateful.