reflected lies

When I forget to think about you I'm happy. 

And it's so strange because it always surprises me. 

Realizing today I felt better. 

And that the reason is forgetting you.

I used to delight so intensely in fantasizing about you, imagining us intertwined, imagining you finally confessing your secret love. 

It felt like this precious secret I carried, not even between me and you, but entirely for myself. 

I'd look at sunsets and gaze at stars and wonder what you were doing and if you were thinking of me. 

It was so simple then. 

Missing you. 

My feelings were merely longing and hope. 

But now. 

Now when I think of you it's not intentional, it's involuntary. 

My face doesn't light up the way it used to and I don't wonder what you're doing or who you're doing it with. 

When thoughts of you slip in front of my eyes I cringe. 

I physically cringe.

I feel hollow and dark, sorrow, remorse.

Disappointment and disbelief. 

And then I will my mind to stop, to think on something else, anything else. 

Because the only source of pain in my life is you.

It's strange because in one sense I'm cured. 

I'm cured of my eternal hope, my belief in our romance, our story.

The ellipsis that's haunted me for a year has been erased. 

It's not replaced with a period, no, that would be far too grand, such a clean ending. 

No rather the sentence itself smears and fades so that you can't discern the last part. 

It's not a thought that's unfinished, it's a thought you can't understand, can't comprehend because you can't see it. 

The only person who knows what it actually says is you. 

But you aren't willing to share what's there, to admit the entirety of truth on the page. 

What I have are fragments, disjointed delightfully horrifying fragments that dizzy the mind when my mind tries to fathom them.

I can't so I've given up.

And you knew I would.  

You planned for my disintegration.

Most terrifying brilliance, dear one. 

No. 

You're not my dear. 

You're not my anything, aren't you?

Darling. 

You called me darling, that word will now never have the same sweetness to it. 

So many things are tainted now...

But it's over now. 

I got out. 

Thank my blessed stars I got away.

You can't. 

You can't escape the company that terrifies. 

And while I wonder whatever will become of you that penance is my justice. 

Because every day you will look in the mirror and you will see him, haunting, plaguing you. 

The monster who destroyed us.