It's okay

Don't be mad...

But I may have chucked a full glass of water in someone's face tonight.

I'd been in a depressed haze all week and I remember laying in Amelie's bed when I got the text.

Oh my god, I said aloud, which was basically the equivalent of me embodying the open mouthed stunned emoji.

I knew exactly who she was talking about.

Mostly because of all my friends she was the most angry about what happened. 

And she also was the only one who traveled two weeks with me and saw how changed I was.

Sleepless nights.

Crying outbursts.

Anxiety. Paranoia. Confusion.

I remember feeling very loved that she felt the need to stand up for me like that.

Especially because I can't be angry right now.

It felt kind of nice having someone be angry for me. 

All I seemed to feel was depressed.

I felt like I was vicariously living through her. 

Even though I felt none of what she was feeling. 

I gotta be honest, I couldn't walk by and do nothing. Nobody hurts my friends. I am your warrior and will protect you until I cannot stand.

I don't know why I date men. 

The women in my life are the loves of my life.

I don't think I've ever known a man whose loved me as much as they do.

Which is probably why a few weeks ago I opened up my Tinder to women as well.

I seem to have better relationships with them, so who the fuck knows.

It did bother me that he thought I sent her to do that, though.

I know I have a lot of flaws but I don't lie or misrepresent myself.

I'm honest to the point of absurdity. 

So now to have this person I both love and fear thinking I set this whole thing up was unsettling.

But I realized there wasn't anything I could really do. 

Because people will believe what they want even after they've heard the truth.

And I knew in the grand scheme of things it didn't matter. 

Because if we were ever going to talk again that wouldn't change because of a little water. 

And if we were never going to talk then nothing I did or did not participate in would change that.

I know I'm still depressed but it's calmer now.

I guess that's my anxiety depleting?

I don't know, I don't understand any of what's going on. 

But it's strange. 

It's strange to process something that involves another person without having them as part of the process.

I don't get to have a conversation or look into their eyes or cry in the same room together or understand each other's pain. 

I'm alone.

I have my support, my friends are why I'm alive.

But no one. 

No one but him and I understand what exists between him and I. 

And I don't think either one of us even fully understands. 

Which means no one does. 

And what I do think I understand, in any one particular moment of understanding, is never the same. 

Sometimes I think I have a glimmer of what might actually be real.

But most of the time I'm uncertain.

And I guess that's okay. 

That's all I have now. 

Being okay.

Okay with uncertainty. 

Okay with processing alone.

Okay with no one understanding what all this is.

Including me.