Tinder has been responsible for both the best & worst sex of my life.
It has inspired my Youtube videos.
It has made all my Facebook friends think of me whenever they hear anything related to it.
(SEE 'Girls Are Using Tinder to Trick Guys into Ordering them Pizza' posted on my wall. TWICE.)
The other thing I love about Tinder is how it gives otherwise shy mother fuckers the courage to say the stupidest shit they would never have the balls to say to my face.
Most of the time it's just stuff that's hilarious.
(SEE 'I'd love to devote some time when you're free to giving you a great orgasm.')
And sometimes it's just pitiful.
(SEE 'Give me a chance to bum you out in person.')
But most of the time it's just the same old same old.
If I had to sum up every Tinder message in one sentence it'd be-
Hi-Hey-Hello WowOMGredhairSEXY whiskey/fuck/sometime?
But every once in awhile, every 73 matches or so, there's one guy whose messages stand out.
And either get me genuinely stoked to meet him.
Or an overwhelming desire to smack him in the face.
(Wait. That sounds hot. Smack him in the goiter. That's never sexy.)
Cue offending bachelor #435!!
So.
This guy writes me the other night.
Let's call him "Paul."
No.
Let's call him "Jack."
('J' names are the worst. They're like a yeast infection on my life.)
Jack's message starts out complimentary like the majority of them do.
(Flattery will get you everywhere, gentlemen, so telling me I'm pretty significantly increases your chances of getting a blowjob. Or a kiss on the cheek. Depending on how I wanna fuck with you.)
Jack actually writes because he wants my dating advice.
Because he watched some of my Youtube & dubbed me "the professional."
(More flattery. Yes. Yes. I'm a god damn genius, continue.)
So he proceeds to write--
"You are a professional here, give me good advice. If I first date wt someone and she could be the mother of my kids but now I don't need that, and I don't want to hurt her or burn that token should I stop or try to have sex and say, wrong time maybe in the future."
"Also is difficult to say if she would be mother of my kids if she doesn't pass sex test."
(Pass sex test? I-uh-i can't even. No. I don't wanna know.)
So I write back that he should find someone else to sleep with because if all he wants is casual sex then he shouldn't try to get that from a girl he sees as potential relationship material. Because if he knows he doesn't want a relationship then he should leave that bitch be. No girl's gonna be like, 'Oh, Ok, not now? But maybe someday? That's definitely the level of interest I want from a man who sticks his penis inside me.'
(Men are such idiots.)
So then he proceeds to tell me --
"I don't work well with strangers in bed."
(Yeah, NONE of you do, honey. I'm well aware. SEE 'When the Motel Bed is Harder Than Your Date')
"I did it with someone the other day on my second date and it was just ok, I used to have great sex wt my ex."
So 1--I find it rather amusing that Jack has written ME to ask advice about a girl he went out with & just days after fucking some OTHER girl. Trying to impress me with his little black book? Hmm?
2--He admits he's not into the one night stand/sex too soon just like my Motel Dandy & just like I've experienced & even HEARD guys say. I'm finding a theme here. (SEE Men need more romance/emotional connection to fully enjoy sex.)
So I find our dialogue so far to be interesting & amusing.
And then he decides he has me all figured out and starts telling me how I am.
"You love the game and u use men."
"Do you even get attached to men? My point is that men is your stage of acting."
I'm sorry, WHaT?
"I guess we see you so much upfront that we think you don't want anything serious."
Ok.
Let me see if I'm getting this right.
I use men.
Because.....I love sex?
And I communicate that?
Uhhuh.
And I couldn't possibly want anything serious from a man because I don't get attached and I just love the game.
Because I've said I love sex.
But it's ok for Y O U to Wanna fuck a girl you don't respect enough to be in a relationship with (And expect her to WAIT just in case you decide someday you ARE ready, when you grow into your big boy diapers). And it's also ok for YoU to fuck a girl you're not connected with at all & even bitch that the sex wasn't that great when YOU WERE THE ONE HAVING IT TOO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND MAKE IT GOOD.
But I.
I am just "not going to find him on Tinder" -as you informed me-because I'M playing games.
You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.
How HOw for fucks sake do people still think like this?
He expects women to be down to fuck but doesn't respect them for doing so.
He also finds me intriguing enough to want my advice on his To Fuck or Not to Fuck dilemma but criticizes me for being the type of woman to follow her own advice.
So I was LIVID to say the least and told him he didn't get me at all.
But that's ok because most men don't.
And that the last blog I wrote talked about how I'm still in love with my ex.
But it's cool.
Shame on me for wanting my vag to get some attention.
I should just hide the fact I like sex or that I know what I like at all so maybe one day, if I'm really lucky, I can have sex on a second date with you that's just ok.
Cuz I'm sure every time you stick that needle dick into some lonely girls vajay it's ALWAYS JUST OK.
Because you suck at everything.
And I should know.
I am a god damn professional after all.
So don't piss me off.
And also.
S U C K M Y D I C K.
I'm sure you'd be ok at that.
No comments:
Post a Comment