People Suck

Sometimes people really suck. 

Sometimes even my cat sucks. 

People are selfish. 

They're withholding. 

They change their mind. 

And then they change their mind again. 

And all the while I can hear my Mother telling me to "Not-take-it-personal" which is really the most ridiculous expression we've ever come up with except for maybe "cold-enough-to-freeze-the-balls-off-a-brass-monkey."

Which I don't even want to try and understand. 

Of course I'm gonna take it personal when my friends are assholes. 

How can I not take it personal?

Oh, you wanna ditch me for some guy? Some guy you're cheating on? Or some guy you know you're gonna be bored with in two months? How 'bout that guy who refuses to go down on you? Or what about the one with the unusually small dick? Yes! Please, ditch me for that and I won't take it personal because everyone should be sleeping with the person they sort of like instead of hanging out with their best friend. 

I hate everyone. 

Look, I get it. 

Relationships are exciting. 

Especially when they're new and you haven't yet accepted the truth that they're not actually your soul mate and you will have to go on another Tinder date before you're 40.

But for me?

My girlfriends are my soul mates and I cannot fathom putting time with the penis I'm using before fellowship with them. 

Oh I'm sorry. 

Did I say penis? 

I meant guy. 

And I didn't mean using I meant dating. 

Guy I'm dating. 

Penis I'm using. 

It's like, the same fucking thing. 

I also feel unbelievably annoyed because I can't even be a bitch right back at them and ditch them for penises of my own because all the guys I like are either traveling, studying on buses, or married. 

So yeah. 

It's hard being me. 

But I don't wanna ditch my friends for sex anyway!

Gaaaaaaawwwwwwwd.

Why, at age twenty-thirty-something are women still acting like giant ass cracks and putting the dick they ride before the girls who tell them they're too good for that dick when it breaks their heart?

I feel like we never really grow up. 

It's still lockers and homeroom and talking about boys all night in our underwear. 

Relationships are great. 

And we should have them. 

We should all be in love and in lust and be excited to be consumed by someone. 

But not. 

At the cost of sacrificing our divine sisterhood. 

Last summer I didn't see one of my best friends for two months because she was so consumed in loverville. 

Two. Months. 

Another girlfriend I rarely saw after she got a boyfriend and when I told her I never saw her since she started dating him she denied it and then I didn't see her again for nine months. 

People suck. 

So fine. 

The next time you bitches need me because you're all butt hurt about something some guy did I'm gonna ditch you for a Tinder date. 

A mediocre first Tinder date where I have to pay for my own damn Jameson. 

Except I would never do that. 

Because you mean everything to me. 

Even when you're a bunch of assholes.