Things I've Learned from Dating every guy on Tinder

In keeping with tradition of a night often filled with disappointment, Valentine's Day seemed a good time to share the things I've learned from sleeping with all of Portlandia.

Guy time is different than girl time. 

When a guy says talk to you soon or let's get together soon what they actually mean is I'll catch ya in a week or six. 

To a girl, "soon" means a couple of days. 

At a minimum, within the week.

To a guy?

Soon means sometime in the future when I get around to it probably after I forget and level up on this video game and finish writing the next great American novel then we'll meet for some sex soon. 

That kinda soon.

Hey buddy.

23 days is not, in fact, "soon."

When you go on a tinder date you have no idea if the guy is gonna pay or not.

And it's not socially acceptable to ask if he's gonna pay because then you sound like an asshole.

So you just get to roll the Tinder dice and wonder if you should get an appetizer because after all, how happy is this hour?

When I was unemployed and broke as fuck I literally couldn't afford to date.

Guys who asked me out I'd make a point to say something about being broke and some guys would then volunteer, Well don't worry about it tomorrow night is on me. 

Awesome. 

Thank you. 

I will order the steak tartare now.

Sometimes I pay and I'm fine with it (don't get your sexist panties in a twist) but there is a legit reason women need men to pay. 

//More on that next time//

I do wish there was a way to know ahead of time what to expect regarding your wallet without looking like an epic douche. 

Guys who have sex on the first date are not all the same. 

That old notion of sex on a first date ruining your chances of a relationship with that person?

Eeeeeh. 

Wrong. 

Some guys never call again.

True. 

But some guys won't leave you alone.

And it's never the ones you think. 

I'm like, Ok, well that was awkward. Clearly never seeing that wackadoodle again.

And then the next morning he's the one that's like, Last night was really fun let's do it again sometime. 

Are you fucking serious??

And months later when you forgot all about him he's still texting you wanting to know how your weekend was. 

Another thing I've learned from dating ever guy on tinder is that 28 year olds are too young for me. 

It's this toxic age Mercury rising Saturn return becoming a man child year and yet I can't stop swiping right to all of them. 

If you're 28 I've probably swiped right just because you're 28. 

Also.

You take the best photos and understand the balance of lighting, a filter, and a well angled selfie. 

Let's have sex. 

Half the guys on tinder are new to the app. 

They're new to Portland. 

They're new to vagina. 

I'm like, Oh have you been on Tinder long? 

Two days. 

One week.

This is my first Tinder date.

And they've just moved here.

I've lived here two weeks.

I've been here about a month.

Six months.

My girlfriend just kicked me out of her place around Xmas. 

Apparently I'm the fucking Tinder welcome wagon.

Emphasis on fucking.

Some guys really like to text. 

Some guys hate texting. 

Some guys are like hi. 

Hey. 

Hi. 

Hey. 

Hi. 

I don't wanna see your penis anymore. 

Some guys are really sensitive. 

I've had several guys recently start talking to me about how sad and lonely they are, they just got dumped they're having an existential crisis they were really hoping I'd be their distraction for the night. 

Hey, honey?

The sob story is a little heavy for a tinder chat. 

I'm gonna need you to reel it in, shove a tampon up there, and just calm down. 

Savvy?