run on

I really didn't want to go.

That's what happens when you stop doing something. 

Your body gets accustomed to its absence. 

But I didn't wanna give up.

I wanted to be that girl again. 

So I jumped in my car and drove into the city to try and find her. 

And when I walked in there was no one around the front desk so I didn't bother even scanning my card. 

I just passed everyone like a ghost.

I looked up at the 60 foot walls and the climbers working their way to the top.

I kept walking up the stairs to the bouldering walls continuously moving as I scanned the walls looking for a route I wanted to climb. 

And I realized I never stopped walking because I was rounding the corner of the last wall and then I stopped. 

And I scanned the gym in its entirety, the strangers I'd never know, the memories flooding back--the first time I made it to the top, the time Kai came over to give me a hug & ask if I was ok, the time him & I got dumped the same day & discovered it while standing on those mats, the way he'd walked past me while looking directly in my eyes, right through me. 

I'd started climbing because of him. 

It was shortly after I broke up with him. 

He said climbing was important to him. 

So I wanted it to be important to me. 

And then I fell in love with it. 

But then I lost my climbing buddies and I never met any new ones. 

And I suddenly didn't want to be there anymore. 

I wasn't that girl.

I was someone else. 

And I wanted to be someone else. 

So I walked down the stairs and this time there was someone at the desk. 

I think I want to cancel my membership, I said.

How much is it to cancel?

Nothing. There's no fee to cancel. 

So that's what I did. 

He reached for the cancellation form. 

I lightly laughed. 

It's pink, I said. 

Bright pink. 

I always had this habit of climbing all the routes with pink holds. 

Those were mine. 

I gave him the pass from my key ring and walked out relieved. 

I finally let myself quit.

I didn't want to be in that space anymore. 

And I didn't want to climb alone. 

And it felt so good to just let myself change. 

To stop trying to be someone I just wasn't anymore. 

I drove down to the waterfront and started running. 

Because that's the kind of girl I was now. 

Alone. 

Free.  

And moving on.