are you okay?

It was the first day in seventeen months I decided to believe I meant nothing to him.

I'm not really sure why.

I guess I'd decided believing in my heart didn't seem to make sense anymore. 

All it had brought me was pain. 

And I felt so numb I wanted to feel anything else. 

So I decided to feel worthless. 

To him.

I actually woke up and while I was still laying in bed said aloud he used me i mean nothing to him he used me i mean nothing to him.

I didn't feel defeated or even sad anymore. 

I didn't feel anything. 

Accepting?

Is apathy the same as acceptance?

I made it through the whole day being carried by this new mantra and I closed my eyes and went to sleep. 

And my phone rang.

There are some moments that are really inconsequential in terms of the story of your life. 

But however seemingly insignificant they can also be the moments that stay with you long after the person has gone. 

And those memories are the few that make me glad I loved and lost. 

I was kind of nervous.

No, that doesn't seem the word. 

Timid? Trepidatious?

Wildly uncertain of what the hell I was doing there. 

Apathy is a bizarre feeling because it made me slightly fearless in a sense because I didn't really care what happened or what I might feel because really I couldn't possibly feel worse and maybe I might even feel a little better. 

Maybe I might feel something. 

And that was kind of thrilling. 

I sat there like a teenager uncertain of what to do with my hands or what to talk about. 

And suddenly I saw something crawling on the blanket right across my foot. 

I held my breath and tried not to panic. 

Ohmygod, it's a spider. There's a giant spider I'm so afraid of them.

And I violently squirmed across the room in my mind while my body just remained motionless in fear. 

He reached out his hand carefully the way a nature guide might gingerly hold an insect in front of the camera. 

The spider crawled onto his hand, trusting, and I imagined he was going to release it into the wild the way some good soul might do. 

Suddenly he brought down his free hand and SMACK! killed the spider that was in his hand. 

Startled, I laughed. 

I totally thought you were going to set it free or something. 

No, I don't have time to go release it into nature. You were scared. I didn't want you to be scared. 

I smiled. You saved me. 

I'm like your knight in shining armor? He smiled back. 

And I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. 

And I didn't feel nervous anymore. 

I felt rather like myself again. 

There are moments that are probably unimportant in terms of writing your memoirs. 

Moments that fade and moments that don't last more than a breath, moments you dream about for years without fully understanding why. 

And the future is unclear. 

My own emotions, a fog. 

But for a moment, in spite of my numbness and my apathy and my indifference, I felt, once again, sublimely happy. 

Happy to finally have understanding and hold the truth in my shaking hands, not for long. 

But long enough to remember my heart knows what I do not.

And when I'm feeling stronger, I'll be able to continue to listen to it, the frightening calls of my wild unpredictable heart, the love that does and must exist in spite of our failures, our choices, our inactions.

In spite of being such fools.