Balanced

I think one of the biggest changes I've experienced this past month is how hyper aware I now am of everything I'm feeling. 

In the past if I woke up in a bad mood I didn't think much of it. 

I wasn't wondering what my triggers were or what may be the root of my grump. 

I just brushed it aside like, Oh, I'm just grumpy today and tried to distract the grump with sugar or an orgasm or a new dress from Nordstrom rack. 

If I was sad I embraced my sadness, if I was mad I wrote like a mother fucker, if I was feeling particularly needy I'd call my Mom and ask if I could come over. 

Now. 

Now if I'm off balance at all I am acutely aware and immediately try to pinpoint what I did differently to try and understand why I'm feeling off.

There is a science to happiness I never understood before. 

I've always been a slave to my ever changing emotions and reacting to all of them and everyone and often unaware of what I may even do because my feelings are erratic so my actions will be erratic and all the men I ever love have one thing in common: they think I'm crazy. 

But I'm not crazy, I was never crazy. 

I was unbalanced. 

And I ran after and impulsively acted out to try and find some semblance of balance. 

But I don't have a desire to be quite as compulsively reactive anymore. 

I kind of just want to feel content as I am, as things are, or as things aren't. 

I feel like my aspirations are on a much smaller scale. 

I simply want to feel happy. 

Last week I did feel happy. 

Good things happened and unloving texts happened but I was able to stay balanced through all of it. 

Maybe happy is an oversimplification of what I want. 

Maybe it's truly balance. 

But last night, and possibly because I had felt so great all week, I decided to have my first cocktail in weeks. 

Partly as an experiment. 

Partly because we were at The box social and they make the best old fashioneds in town and I kind of missed drinking. 

Which I feel strange about, but that's another topic. 

I ordered one and I sipped slowly, alternating with water in between sips of rye.

Immediately it tasted different. 

It tasted strong. 

The box social makes a strong cocktail, partly why it's the best, but it never used to taste strong to me. 

From my first sip it already felt different.

It took me a long time to finish, which was also strange, because there have been many nights I'd sipped cocktail after cocktail at this bar, as though it were merely lemonade on a summers day. 

When we finally left and got to the next place I felt strange. 

I didn't feel buzzed or drunk or giddy the way I've always felt from drinking whiskey. 

There was a heaviness in my mind, a dark fog hovered over everything.

And for the first time in what's felt like a long time, I felt depressed. 

The idea that one strong alcoholic beverage could have such an affect on me when I'm day 16 on an antidepressant seems a little extreme and yet I am hyper in tune with my body and I'd had no alcohol in two weeks and this was the worst I'd felt in two weeks. 

I don't think a depressed person should be drinking a depressant.

At least I shouldn't. 

And that's strange for me. 

My girlfriend says my body should get more adjusted to my medication over time and eventually I should be able to enjoy an old fashioned the way I once did without it affecting me in such a negative way and that's probably true. 

But I think the part that's difficult for me is that something I've always done, something I've always enjoyed, that's felt like a part of who I am, my style, my social enjoyment, is no longer a part of who I am. 

And that feels so overwhelmingly strange. 

I spent most of today feeling extremely out of balance. 

And because I sort of took for granted how much better I've been feeling I wasn't really sure what to do to feel better. 

So I didn't do much of anything. 

I met a friend for brunch and I took a nap and I made dinner and now I'm reading. 

But it all felt pretty lackluster and I feel defeated that I spent another day feeling mostly depressed. 

But life isn't consistent. 

And however much I try to find a science to my balance there will be things outside of my control that affect my ability to live in a state of happy and that's okay. 

I need to let myself be okay with the times I'm not okay. 

But right now it feels like a failure. 

And it's strange. 

Because there are certain things I know my brain understands that my emotions just won't agree to. 

They have a will of their own. 

And I know with time I'll understand this newer version of myself a little better. 

Understand why sometimes it may even be necessary to feel so very unbalanced.