some fairytale

I'm not mad.

At you.

I'm not angry at your cruelty. 

I am heartbroken. 

And disappointed. 

And still overwhelmingly in shock and disbelief. 

I thought some night this week your voice would fill my phone with the soft timbre that once resonated when you talked to me.

I thought you'd express remorse and regret and overtures of wanting to right the wrongs so violently forced upon me. 

But my inbox was never full.

Just one sentence. 

One brief, disjointed fragment. 

I've listened to over and over as though the truth existed between those syllables. 

But it doesn't. 

Because nothing exists between us anymore. 

I suppose perhaps it never did. 

But oh my heart, my love, my consuming, determined love was pure. 

It is

Most sincere. 

My heart alone sustained this wretched ongoing horror story I believed to be a fairytale. 

And I can't decide which part is the worst. 

It's all such a jumbled blur in my mind now, like one painfully long run on sentence 

Something out of that book you think I'm too unintelligent to ever read. 

I never realized how little you actually think of me until that night. 

You know I'm trying to destroy this from the inside out, right?

And I let you. 

I sat there and I let you I took it like some frightened little girl who just wanted to be held 

And you did, sweet bliss, you finally reached out and wrapped your arms around me for one brief moment I again believed 

Trusted

Until you pulled away and said no, I can't make you happy so we shouldn't be physical 

And I said please

Jesus fucking Christ I said please

Like some pathetic wretched desperate creature that I was 

And you coldly replied no

And I recoiled in still greater horror

Because that was all I had

All I'd ever been to you

Some body some lusty fantasy dirtying your sheets when the women you loved didn't answer your call

And I laid there, tormented, unable to move

And then you reached into your desk

You knew I would see, would fear it would all disappear before my frightened eyes

You wanted my fear

My consuming, immobilizing horror, the force of the pain leaping out of my chest in a motion to stop you

And then that look

Oh god, that disgusted disdain for my face that darted from your eyes to my flesh will never ever leave my mind

I want you to leave

And I didn't go

I wish I had

I wish I'd run

As fast and as far as my frightened legs would take me

But that would mean everything that was happening was real 

And it couldn't be real

It was so awful it couldn't be actually happening

And I knew if I just stood in the fire long enough you'd come back and reach for my hand again and make that delighted sigh after we kissed 

But you just reached for your phone and told me to push this button

That button at the bottom there

And I did like you knew I would because I listen to you

And when I'd obeyed you said

There now you're deleted

And I didn't know how much more I could take I wondered when we'd wake up from this bad dream

And I asked why you'd done that

I didn't 

You did

I wouldn't have been able to do it

And I couldn't breathe

And you told me to just go to sleep

But to be gone in the morning 

And you whispered she was trash, she was pure garbage, a terrible person

And I'd choose her over you again

And I was nothing

I was hollowed out 

Void of everything

And I layed there

Wishing I had the key to escape 

To get out of this house of horrors

But I just sat up

I looked out the window

The curtain blowing in the wind

The green book propping the window open

And I held my breath

And hoped

I hoped when you opened your eyes you'd remember

Remember all I am 

All I thought existed between us

And when you'd ended your violent sleep, your limbs flinging you out of the hell that was your dreams, you looked at me, vacant, lifeless

Why are you still here?

And my skin crawled

It slipped off my body and creeped out of the room sliding out the crack in the window, the crack I'd imagined opening to escape into the night

And the door was finally unlocked and I walked into the sun, shaking

And I called her

And she came 

And when I saw her the tears choked me

The fear vomited out of me

You look like someone who was tortured all night 

And that was the night 

The moment the story collapsed 

And she lived 

She lived ever after 

Never again looking into the eyes of the monster she still loved