I've never taken them before and at first I felt really fucking weird about it.
Because I'm like.
A happy person.
Like, I've always been Susie fucking Sunshine my whole life.
Happy people get depressed too, Reese.
But I just kept waking up expecting to feel better.
And I didn't.
But there's a reason people take medication.
Because I feel better now.
Yesterday I took my pill hours later than I normally do and when I woke up I felt the storm clouds fall back over my mind again.
It was eerie and intense because I'd already gotten used to feeling like myself again for the past week.
I'd quickly forgotten what it felt like to feel like her, the version of me that felt nothing and cared about nothing and saw the world in shades of grey.
It was also the first morning all week I craved coffee.
Oh yeah.
I stopped drinking coffee.
I stopped drinking coffee and alcohol.
Alcohol??
I know, ALCOHOL.
I broke up with whiskey.
And it is a little strange but I'm okay with it.
I can't drink it, I got drunk two nights in a row when I was first starting my meds and I had crazy anxiety.
I didn't even know what was wrong with me but when I was describing what happened to my friend she said, You were having an anxiety attack, Reese.
Oh, I was having an anxiety attack.
I've never had one before so I didn't know what one felt like.
I decided the next day not to drink, as an experiment, and sure enough no alcohol, no anxiety.
I've spent the entirety of this week going out and ordering soda water with bitters. And a lime. In a short glass.
I'm that girl now.
But I feel better so I don't even fucking care.
Also.
I'm saving so much money!!
Holy shit.
You wanna put yourself on a budget cut liquor from your tab.
I can't believe how cheap my restaurant bills have been.
Also.
I can't drink coffee.
Monday I had my normal morning cup of coffee minutes after popping my happy pill and twenty minutes later I started to have the same hyped up anxiety I'd felt part of last week.
The next day, no coffee, no alcohol.
No side effects.
Last night, as another experiment, I ordered a decaf mocha to see if it made me react weird.
And it didn't.
Though I did have a slight headache later.
So I probably won't drink decaf often.
So now I drink club soda and decaf coffee.
It's not me, at least the me I always used to be, but I'm happy.
I used to scoff at people who ordered decaf, like, what's the point, asshole?
And now I wonder how many of them had conditions where they couldn't drink caffeine but enjoyed the taste?
I guess I'm kind of the asshole.
It's strange.
It's strange to feel like myself but differently.
I crave vegetables now.
Vegetables.
I still craved pizza on Friday too, which was sort of a relief because if I'm gonna be that bitch who drinks soda water and decaf coffee please don't tell me I'm gonna order my salad dressing on the side I might kill myself.
This is all new.
It's new and it's different and I'm finding that a lot of people are on anti depressants or have been on them but I never knew because people don't talk about it because it has this stigma like, Oh. You take anti depressants.
*Long awkward silence.*
Except a lot of times it really is just needing to balance out the chemicals in your brain which is basically what we're all doing all day every day with coffee and cigarettes and junk food and masturbation.
But it's strange.
It's strange to feel like I need a drug to feel like myself but you know what I do and that's okay.
Because sometimes life kicks you in the balls too many times and you're older and you can't bounce back as quick as you once did and sometimes you need help to get through the times your best friend dumped you the same week the love of your life did.
But I feel better.
And that's the important part.
And I wish people talked about anti depressants with the same openness we all talk about blowjobs because then maybe I wouldn't have been so freaked out to put a tiny dose of serotonin in my body cuz if I can handle a dick in my mouth I can surely handle an anti depressant in my body.
I mean am I right?
No comments:
Post a Comment