50 Shades of Blue

I should have known it was going to be a weird day when I only put half & half in my coffee. 

I've always used coffee creamer with names like Belgian Toffee Truffle. 

The kind of stuff you'd imagine a kindergartner would add to their coffee if you let them have a cup.

And I don't know why but something in me decided suddenly I should be a grownup. 

And instead of buying more coffee creamer I got half & half at the store the night before. 

I figured I'd add sugar and drink my coffee like that from now on. 

That seemed like that's what grownups would do. 

And I really didn't feel very grownup. 

But I guess I felt I should.

And then that morning I walked into the place I'd spent nearly the last three years and they told me they were separating our relationship. 

What a relief. 

We'd needed to break up for ages.

I always drag out my relationships when they've deteriorated. 

I can't help it. 

I want to believe the best. 

I rounded the corner and saw the outline of the rock surrounded by the vast shimmering blue that nearly swallowed it. And I giggled. 

Like some lovesick school girl finally seeing her long lost love again. 

I giggled with glee. 

I hadn't been to the ocean in ages but I used to drive myself to the quiet windy corners by the sea to write or read or just drink it in. 

I was born in a small beach town and I think because of that my love affair with the ocean runs deep. 

Anything could be happening in my life and just spending time beside the ocean I feel more calm and content and at ease.

A little girl between me and the ocean practiced her cartwheels.

She succeeded, though falling slightly and I laughed, remembering how I managed to climb the highest sixty foot wall at my climbing gym and never thought that'd be possible. 

I thought about how I saw Mr. Volcano and heard from Narcissis in the same month this year. 

My two greatest heartaches in sync in wishing me well, one after seven years, the other five. 

I thought about how I somehow stumbled upon meeting a man whose brought out the hopeless romantic I thought had long since whithered away inside of me. 

I thought about how I had two musical gigs lined up this year after 1,825 days without a thought of performing again. 

I thought how this wasn't how I'd imagined I'd spend my day. 

How most of my life in the three short months this year was already not what I thought it would be. 

And how insanely wonderful that was. 

Change was certainly inconvenient but complacency far more terrifying. 

I knew my life was finally scribbling away into an entirely new chapter. 

The pages of my pasts lingering ink marks fading slightly after months of needing to be scrubbed off. 

And I thought about the interview I had lined up in several days and wondered if that was to play a role in my current play. 

But somehow couldn't even worry about it. 

Even though that's maybe what a grownup would do.

Because my life had already blown my mind with unexpected delights.

It had my trust. 

Because it knew what it was doing, these chance encounters, this newly discovered strength and love and passion.

And whatever else was to be next it had to be wonderful. 

Because my life had become a rainbow. And I wasn't dreading the storm, I was closing my eyes and allowing the warmth of the sun to finally enter my skin. 

I'd forgotten what that felt like. 

To have the sun in my mouth.

And I couldn't even open my eyes. 

I was lost in acceptance. 

In release. 

In hope.

Sweet, intoxicating hope.