Red Hearts & Gold Stars

I felt like a hot mess. 

I rolled out of bed and stumbled into the same pair of leggings I'd already climbed in three times that week. 

Eew.

I did put makeup on but considering I think of makeup as an art I looked in the mirror and saw a girl who slapped some paint on the canvas with no thought or love into what she created. 

I sighed. 

Thank God for friends. 

If I hadn't already agreed to meet Sheldon to climb I'd probably still be lying in bed. 

Life makes me want to sleep when it knocks the wind out of my heart. 

But getting out of my messy apartment was probably more what I needed. 

I stepped out and the sun made me squint & reminded me I hadn't had any coffee yet. 

I skuffed the sidewalk with the balls of my shoes as I headed towards Starbucks with my hoodie covering my head. 

It was warm enough that I ordered an iced coffee which I think I secretly love more than hot coffee. 

Some new Barista was at the bar and he was so charming and jubilant as he handed me my iced coffee. I looked at him and smiled. 

First time my mouth had done that today. 

I didn't feel very strong as I put my harness on at the gym. I really didn't feel like being brave or 40 feet above the ground. 

"Are you gonna do the Orange one?" Sheldon asked. 

"Okay," my mouth responded without my consent. 

And part way up I really didn't want to keep pushing myself. But some girl was climbing a couple feet away from me & our pace was nearly the same. So as I stood there, not sure which way I wanted to move, seeing her start to pass me made my leg push me up to the next hold. 

I'm not even competitive. 

It was like my body just heard hers say, 'Come on. Let's go.'

I made it to the top. 

As I was untying my ropes Sheldon patted me on the head. 

"I did it," I said quietly. 

My mouth smiled for the second time that day. 

I was supposed to meet a girlfriend that night but I didn't know if I was up to it. I'd only recently become friends with her & even though she seemed a kindred spirit, I didn't know if I was comfortable being this version of myself. 

Defeated Resa. 

I remember once showing my vulnerable, shattered self to a new female friendship and she told me she was really disappointed because she always thought of me as being strong. 

And it was hard for her to see me like that. 

We were never close again. 

There are few people on this planet that can be around who you really are at the core of your heartaches and your insecurities who will still cherish and accept you. 

But later I felt a small wave of strength settle on my soul and I agreed to meet her for a drink. 

I grabbed a wrap dress I'd tossed in my car earlier that week and tried to make something presentable of my scattered hair. 

Again I looked at my reflection in the mirror and sighed. 

I didn't feel fucking fabulous. 

Not one drop. 

I got to the tiny wine bar first and found a corner to tuck myself into. 

I set the glass of red wine next to me like a prop with little interest in drinking any of it. 

I picked it up when I realized I hadn't drunk any but just looked at the crimson liquid & then set it down again. 

I glanced up & she was walking toward me. 

I stood up & fell into her hug. 

We sat down & her shining eyes smiled into mine. 

"Look at you," she gushed. "You're so perfect."

I looked down and blinked a drop of water away.

'Thank you. I don't feel perfect. I've been in a bit of a grump today.'

She laughed at me. "You're so adorable."

And we just had a simple visit. 

And she wasn't disappointed in me for not being strong & fabulous. 

Because for some reason I was wonderful in her eyes even with the brokenness that embraced me. 

And that made me feel stronger. 

And then she handed me a tiny box. 

"I saw these & thought of you. I really wanted to keep them for myself but I thought you needed them."

And inside the box was the cutest pair of dangly red earrings with a heart & a bow. The sweetest combination of Punky Brewster and Minnie Mouse you ever saw. And they could have cost her all of five dollars but I felt as loved as if she'd handed me rubies. 

I love presents. 

Like, I'm still a little five year old that treasures every trinket anyone gets me because a present means you thought of me, that in that moment I was on your mind. And nothing makes me feel more special. 

She hugged me goodbye & I headed to my next rendezvous. 

I sat at the bar sipping my old fashioned wondering if everything was okay. And my friend texted me that she was having car trouble and she felt like a mess. And for the first time all day I felt strong. 

'Stay put. I'm on my way.'

And we found our way to that dark little dive bar we'd huddled in before. 

And we each poured our troubles onto the table. 

"Here," she said. "I got this for you."

I gaped at the surprise gift in my hands, a red flask with gold stars on it and a collage on the front with a vintage corset and the words "I ❤️ flirting" & "I ❤️ fucking" printed on the front. 

I giggled. 'Omg. It's perfect. It's so me. It even has stars. I'm ResaStar.'

I gave her a big squeeze like she was the stuffed animal I thought was lost forever. 

'Thank you.'

"Of course."

We closed down the bar and ran down the street with party balloons left over from the person who'd turned "Nearly 40" that was spelled out in eight balloons. We all barely fit into my car & our laughter filled in the tiny cracks of space the balloons left between us and the walls. 

I returned to my bed and my dear cat, Cartier, just as I'd left it and crawled under the covers with a renewed strength. 

It was always with me. 

But sometimes it took the pats on the head, the shining eyes & the squeezes of dear friends to bring it back to the surface. 

I am so grateful for everyone who adds to that reserve, who lightly pushes me to climb one more step up. 

I love you all. 

You make the hate I'm fighting endurable. 

Thank you

       ❤️