I've managed to want to set you on fire and curl up in your arms in the same week.
I'd like to blame PMS but I think we both know that kind of manic intensity is just an average week for me.
I told a stranger about you and the saga between us and she said we were too much alike.
I hadn't thought of it like that before.
But we are both very sensitive, artistic, passionate, inconsistent beings.
I guess maybe that's why we were so great and so awful together.
I honestly have no idea how you think of me anymore.
I will never understand your refusal to see me.
It's both infuriating and insulting.
And even though I've started sleeping with someone else, when I had upsetting medical news you were the one I craved a hug from.
Again. Emotions.
They make no fucking sense.
I'm sure I'm fine, at least that's what the doctor told me.
"Don't get yourself worked up worrying about this," she said.
Because when a doctor refers you to a specialist surgeon to have a growth biopsied and/or removed you just bat your pretty eyelashes and say, 'All in a day.'
Those are some scary medical terms.
And my Dad having cancer less than a year ago it's freakier than freaky Friday.
But it's not really any concern of yours because we're not friends.
We're not anything really except a confusing mess of shadows.
I wish I could go into your bar and have an interaction with you where you weren't avoiding eye contact with me and acting like a robot.
None of my friends want to hear about you anymore.
I've become THAT girl.
And some of them are even placing blame on me that I went through this because I let you treat me this way.
And I don't get it because I've just wanted to fucking see you and have a damn conversation since our last interaction was a magical kiss followed days later by a vague "break up" text.
The whole thing just feels overly complicated and complex when it could be settled in a ten minute genuine interaction.
I saw some article about how we live in a time where you can't always have resolution and closure and I felt like the universe was telling me to fucking give up already.
But if you don't end up going to my show then I will probably end up back at your bar in a couple months.
Hopefully with my new lover, should things continue.
He has this pure joy in the way he looks at me that makes my heart happy.
You'd be glad to see me smiling that way again.
I haven't since you stood in front of me in that tux.
And I know my inner warrior is supposed to be strong enough to not need any man.
But you know what?
That's bollocks.
Because sex makes life better.
And how am I supposed to stop missing you unless I have someone else in my life whose kisses make me feel like a Goddess?
And he even called me that on our first date.
"You're like this Goddess...."
Just like you used to say.
Except he makes time for me.
I sent him a picture of me in my new Marilyn Monroe dress and he had to see me that night.
You never had to see me.
You always had something more important to do.
Sheldon won't see me either.
I guess you have a lot in common with him too.
He's also a withholder and delighted in not giving me the things he knew I needed, simply because he delighted in seeing me suffer.
I guess it makes me a masochist because I miss him.
I guess that's why I kept reaching out to you the last several months.
I missed you desperately.
I have no idea what's gonna happen.
If you'll come to my show.
If I'll just never hear from you again.
If your behavior has proven anything it's that I have no fucking idea what you will do or what you're thinking at any given moment EVER.
The day you called me a week and a half ago you posted a picture of the Hawthorne bridge and wrote, "I have been told it is called 'masturdating'--feet in the river, head in the clouds."
And since the Hawthorne bridge was always where I'd send you love on my runs I had to hope in that moment you were sending love my way too.
And maybe you always would.
Even if I never saw you again.
And even if by the time I did, I loved another.
Either would be lovely.
So long as there was love.
Always love.
Rivers and roads.
Rivers 'til I reach you.
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