I'd Totally Fuck Your Boyfriend

I've decided I'm going to be a professional mistress. 

Like. 

For fun.

People assume the type of woman who would have an affair would be evil or a gold digger, someone with Daddy issues or buckets of insecurities. 

But you know the real reason women have affairs?

Married men treat you like a queen.

This has not been a good dating year for me. 

I've managed to land myself some real winners. 

*insert sarcastic undertone*

The first guy I slept with this year LITERALLY recreated the opening scene from 'Bridesmaids' which I didn't even realize until I told a girlfriend what happened & she was like, OhMyGod. We HAVE to watch 'Bridesmaids.'

"I don't want to be an asshole but I don't want you to stay." 

I had my clothes in hand and had no interest in spooning all night with him or his crooked penis but it was still slightly mortifying. 

Talk about an orgasm kill. 

I should have taken that New Year tryst to be an omen for 2015. 

Because in 7 months I've managed to have the most ridiculous, disappointing and bizarre sex of my life. 

But hell. 

At least I got laid. 

And yes. 

They were all single. 

And yes they all treated me like shit after harvesting my garden. 

And no. 

This isn't a wah, wah, woe to me pity party. 

This is an honest reflection on the difference between how available men treat me versus unavailable men. 

You know who texted me today to tell me to break a leg?

My married ex lover. 

You think any of those fuckers who thought I was a suitable vessel to stick their dick into care about my performance?

Not a fucking chance.

But you know who went out of his way just to pick me up a coffee this week when he didn't even want one?

My boss with a fiancé. 

You know whose making sure to see my performance because he knows how important it is to me?

My guy friend who has a girlfriend. 

You know who doesn't return my texts or make time to sip Old Fashioneds with me?

SINGLE MEN.

I had a guy whose married see a rehearsal and be so supportive and encouraging about the work I'm putting into my performance and of course, he's married. 

Because married men know how to treat a lady. 

They're more appreciative, more attentive, more complimentary. 

And if I have to suffer through one more lackluster lay and his inability to behave like a gentleman after indulging in my orchard I will scream. 

And not in ecstasy.  

You must think I'm crazy and I told myself I'd never have another affair but you know what?

I would totally fuck your boyfriend. 

Because he makes me feel more like a goddess than anyone. 

And I'll take that over feeling invisible any day.