The Plea to the Woman Warriors

When I was younger I wanted everyone to like me. 

It was a real desire of my heart, to be friends with everyone. 

I remember one birthday party when I was, what--like 15? Having something like, 20, 30 girlfriends over. 

And then feeling consumed with concern for everyone else, wondering if they were having a good time, if they were feeling included.

That's kind of exhausting for a teenage girl.

Now, more than a decade later, and I know I don't possess the energy anymore for something like that. 

My friendships have become fewer and more intimate. 

Genuine relationships leave no room for worry about someone's level of enjoyment. 

If my friends weren't having fun they'd tell me. 

Because those are the only friendships I have in my life anymore. 

It's actually really hard to maintain friendships as an adult.

We're so much more fucking complicated than when we could just be friends because we both had Leonardo Dicaprio posters in our room.

RO-MEY-OH!

Fighting with friends gets harder too because we're more stubborn, our pride is unmoving and it gets harder to reach out to each other. 

I had a misunderstanding with a girlfriend and needed a couple days to be hurt about it.

But then when the Barcelonian destroyed my libido with his deceit, I sent her the screenshot of his horrific declaration-- "I never sleep with a girl more than twice. I've been with 5 and no third time..."--1...2...3....4....Reese....just another pussy on his shelf of conquests.

My magical pussy is heretofore on lock down and will not be available for ravaging until further notice. 

Men, you all can go fuck yourselves. 

And surely, the horror of such a dialogue would spark a conversation with my disgruntled friend. 

But she never responded. 

Not one emoji. 

I dislike being condescended to, I hate when someone swears at me, but nothing-NOTHING-breaks my heart more than being ignored. 

And I'm not sure what to do at this point. 

We've been friends a long time and I certainly don't want to lose a relationship I cherish over some misunderstanding. 

But at this point I'm so hurt I don't know if I can even send an emoji. 

I really hate being ignored. 

It is the most dishonest thing a person can do. 

It's the game the men I love play with me. 

To communicate is truth. 

And truth is love. 

Withholding is SUCH a lie. 

And lying is the opposite of love. 

It's merely deceit. 

Selfish, uncaring, indifference. 

I'm used to the men I love being cowards afraid of the truth in their hearts. 

But when the women I love are hiding from me?

It's almost harder. 

Men are never strong enough to love me.

I've NEVER met a warrior who was worthy of my heart. 

They've all been lost boys still on their walkabout, overwhelmed by the fire in my soul, the truth on my lips, the insatiable lust that no man has ever satisfied. 

Show me a man who wants me more than I want him and I will follow him to the ends of the Earth. 

But the women in my life, the women have always been their own Goddesses of War, towers of strength and sass, support and encouragement. 

They have held my hand while I cried over another fools dismissal of my love.

They have cheered me on when I begun to hope in someone new, when I doubted my own heart, when I've raged, rejoiced, retaliated. 

It's been the women I love who have stood by my side. 

So it almost hurts more to be ignored by them. 

I have always loved Sheldon's Mom. 

She is such a kindred spirit.

Part of the reason I mourned the loss of Sheldon after our breakup was because I wanted his Mom to be my Mother-in-law. 

I fucking adore her. 

When Sheldon stayed with me last year I told her because Sheldon has this delightful way of not communicating.

I knew she was worried and I wanted her to know he was okay. 

I never texted her a ton but I'd check in every once in awhile. 

I told her about Ireland when I was excited about him and when Sheldon and I had a falling out. I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and sent her the photo when Sheldon actually smiled with me.

So after all this prolonged drama with Sheldon and his internet love, I wrote his Mom and told her that Sheldon wasn't going to my show but that I hoped she still planned on going. 

And she never wrote back. 

I think it almost hurt more to feel slighted by his Mom.

I always felt that we had an appreciation for each other. 

But I guess the whole Sheldon clan is finished with me. 

And I'm So. Tired. Of fighting to be in people's lives. 

I have no energy left. 

I'd rather have two friends, two friends who adore and accept me, who let me be all that I am, than exhaust so much energy on people who don't think I shine. 

No more shadows trying to dull my sparkle.

You're for me or against me. 

You're communicating truth or you're hiding in dishonesty. 

I want no part of the Withholders anymore. 

Ignoring me is the cruelest thing you can do to me. 

It's why I ended up blocking the Phantom. 

He uses silence as a way to set my heart on fire. 

I will always tell the people I love the truth of my heart and I expect that in return. 

And to the women I love who no longer stand with me--Shame on you.

The men, the boys in my world, they are the great let downs, they are the ones incapable of the strength it takes to stand by my side. 

But YOU, you're the women warriors I admire and I depend on. 

To grow silent, to let go of the intensity of my love for you makes you as common as any man. 

And what a tragedy THAT is.