The Last Toxic Straw

The problem with being a caring woman is that men think they can behave however they want, and you will still always be there. 

But as I've previously stated I'm in this new stage in my life where I have zero tolerance for bullshit.

It's much easier for me to let go of people then it's ever been. 

And I don't know if that's a good thing. 

It's new for me.

I realized that if I wasn't going to see The Phantom until he came to my performance then that would mean the last time we saw each other was my last performance when he kissed me in his tux because he "just couldn't help himself."

And that instead of taking this time apart to let go and move on, a part of me would be holding onto the hope that maybe history would repeat itself and he'd be so moved by my performance again he would have to kiss me with the same intensity. 

I'm a bitch.  

Ok?

I am.

But I'm also, secretly, a hopeless romantic. 

And I knew as pragmatic as I could try and force myself to be, it would stay hidden in my heart the idea that my talent might once again stir the love in his heart. 

Well.

Understandably.

I realized that was a fucking disaster. 

How was I supposed to get over a guy if I was thinking about some romantic scene like that?

So then I realized that I should see him before my show. 

Not to start some sort of friendship (I was in no way ready to be his buddy and I didn't know when if ever I would be.)

But that it would be good for both of us to have a genuine, real moment with each other that wasn't hiding behind our iPhones. 

We hadn't spent any time together since he kissed me in that tux. 

Surely it was not unreasonable to think even a brief conversation face to face was deserved after the emotional roller coaster and dramatic occurrences of the previous months. 

And since he had responded so positively and understandingly to my confession that I wasn't ready to be friends, I thought we were in this understanding, compassionate place with one another and that he'd agree meeting was a good idea.

After all, he was the one who called me to say he wanted to be friends and frolick in the rose garden, right?

So of course he'd want to come together and have a genuine interaction. 

Why wouldn't he?

Because the only way for us to ever be friends would be to meet and close the past.

And I wanted to try and be open to the friendship he wanted. 

But he didn't respond to my call.

He ignored me for days. 

And today he told me that he wouldn't see me. 

That we couldn't give each other what the other needs and that it was uhealthy. 

And the man who said he would communicate much better with me wouldn't answer the phone when I called him right after receiving that text. 

I didn't just ask to see him for fun.

I said that I NEEDED to see him to move forward and to be able to eventually be his friend. 

I've been asking for that need to be met for months. 

And his response was that my need wasn't valid. 

I wasn't asking to be his girlfriend. 

I wasn't asking to have anal sex in front of his parents. 

I just wanted to fucking meet.

I actually even said it could be as brief as ten minutes, I didn't care. 

And why the fuck wouldn't he see me when he'd just left me a voicemail about how much he admired my honesty and that he'd talk to me "whenever he talked to me."

I couldn't believe it. 

I guess his behavior has been so erratic I shouldn't have been surprised. 

But I just couldn't believe how cruel he was being.

I'd said that we hadn't seen each other for twelve weeks and that it was important to me. 

I said I needed it.

And he said no. 

So I blocked him. 

I blocked his number. 

I blocked him on Facebook. 

And Instagram. 

And Snapchat, which I almost forgot about.

And I really hope if he actually does come to my show that he doesn't say hi. 

Because I don't want a kiss. 

I don't want a hug. 

I don't want to see his deceitful broken face. 

To communicate a need to someone, to bear the vulnerability of your heart and ask for something with the kind of raw desperate need that's usually reserved for a small child rushing to a parent after a nightmare, and instead of the parent wrapping their arms around the frightened child they stare at them coldly and say No and tell the child it is unhealthy to ask for what they need to feel settled.

IS FUCKING CRUEL.

And I don't want anyone in my life who has such blatant disregard for the needs of my heart. 

I have no fear now about hoping for a kiss after my brilliant performance. 

I will never let him touch me again. 

He can't even reach me. 

I've disappeared. 

And that's what happens when you realize you've loved a monster.