Love or Something Like it

I started rereading a book that Ireland recommended to me last year. 

Although I only read about half of it before so I guess I'm not rereading so much as I'm finishing. 

I think part of what I loved about Ireland was that he recommended a book about relationships. 

A  M A N.

Recommended a B O O K.

About RELATIONSHIPS.

There are so many parts of that sentence I find shocking.

So finding myself in another Having Trouble Letting Go of an Ex Even Though I Know it's for the Best dilemma, I thought it was time to turn the pages of 'Attached' by Levine & Heller once again. 

In completion this time. 

I already knew that I have anxious attachment.

And I already knew that Sheldon has avoidant attachment. 

FYI Anxious-Avoidant romantic pairings are the WORST combination possible and DOOMED to fail. 

Thus our awkward, though necessary transition into friendship. 

But. 

I figured out something else.

The Phantom of the Opera is an avoidant too. 

He's exactly the same as Sheldon. 

No WONDER I found his withholding so attractive. 

It was familiar. 

And you know what else?

They're both Aquarius. 

(Which supposedly is a great love match to Sagittarius??)

And they're also the same fucking age. 

I thought they were so different.

But in reality--I fell for a copy of someone I'd already fallen for. 

Who was somewhat a copy of someone else. 

I HAVE TO STOP DATING THE SAME FUCKING PERSON!!

Tomorrow I have a date scheduled with a thirty-nine year old. 

Thirty. NINE.

That's eleven years on Mr. Phantom & Sheldon.

I told my date that part of his appeal was that he's not 28. 

He probably thought I was being funny but I was being fucking serious. 

I WANT TO BE WITH A MAN.

And train myself that boys who are still trying to find themselves are not desirable. 

Rule #1-- If a man is still in school he's not ready to date me. 

(And yes. Sheldon & Phantom are both still in school. Maybe they should get together & go bowling. I really see a friendship blooming here.)

If a guy doesn't have his career settled it is highly unlikely he'll have room for a force like me in his life. 

His career fuels his drive, feeds his ego, gives him a sense of self.

And without being grounded in his own skin I am TOO FUCKING MUCH.

Rule #2--If I tell a man how I'm feeling or what I'm needing and he disregards it, I'm running. 

This is classic avoidant behavior and flies directly in the face of my needs and basically transforms me into an anxious, insecure, worried little girl.

When I asked the Phantom to meet up with me he refused to.

Even though the last thing he did the last time we met up was lean down and kiss me.

He has avoided me with such intensity you would think I was a leper. 

Or a murderer. 

And not in fact some girl who simply wanted a genuine, private conversation. 

But avoidants can't deal with others emotions. 

They shut down, push away, won't deal. 

And I am a girl who knows what I feel and expresses it. 

And punishing me because of that is not conducive to my needs. 

So my date tomorrow. 

And any future date is heretofore an audition--

To see if he is the kind of man capable of responding to my needs. 

Because I've had enough avoidant men to last a lifetime. 

Now I just have to retrain my mind that the anxiety I'm used to feeling in relationships with these withholding unavailable men is not love.

Love meets you for a drink. 

Love talks when you need to talk. 

Love holds on. 

And love is my life goal.