My Heart has Spoken

Being a grownup is the fucking worst.

Do you know what I'm doing right now?

I'm sitting at a cafe, where I've been for a couple hours applying to jobs.
Because that's what a sassy redhead wants to do on her day off.
Spend it looking for a different job.

I wish I was listening to music at some guys house talking about how inspiring Jack Kerouac is.

Things really were less complicated in my twenties.

But I do feel proud of myself.

I guess that's the good thing about doing things you don't want to do but need to.
Then you can feel like a rockstar because you actually fucking did it.
And since the only way to make something change in my life requires actual effort on my part I figured my three day weekend was the time to go about initiating change.

To me!
And all the fabulosity I don't yet know is headed my way.

There is also something to be said about focusing on my own growth making me less preoccupied with the multitude of idiots I don't want to have sex with.

Don't get me wrong.
I really miss sex.

But you know I don't know if sex that's not great is worth having.
And great sex only comes from an actual connection with your partner.

Other than the need to just be dominated and have my hair pulled.

This is obviously what happens when I go too long without sex.
I start talking like a crazy person.

Seriously though.

It's not on my brain anymore.

I think I had to be real with myself and realize I didn't actually enjoy the casual inconsistencies of hooking up.
I just somehow thought it might make someone jealous and motivate them to do the job properly.

Sheepish grin.

Whoops.
Live and learn, as they say.
Reese has tried and disliked the casual hookup and craves instead something far more genuine.
It means more time with my bedside boyfriend but you know what?
That means a lot less pregnancy and std scares and I'm ok with that.

I kind of just want to focus on how awesome my own vagina is without being cluttered by a penis.

Most penises I've encountered don't know who they are and I really want to be bonded to someone who knows who he is and what he's passionate about.
If he doesn't know who the fuck he is how is he gonna know how fucking rad I am?
That's just basic science.

I like my life right now.

I like that there are people in my life, people I'm close to and people I barely know, people I used to know deeply who still take the time to reach out to me because of the Art I'm creating.
Yes, there's an element of my histrionic need for validation.
But more than that I want to inspire people.
And I am.
And that is what I want for my life.

I want to write and create and thrive and push myself to step out of my own comfort zone (which we already know has very few boundaries, as it is) and I don't want to be bothered by the people who don't fucking get me.

I'm loud.
And I say what I feel.
And I mean it.
And that's a really fucking wonderful thing.

And what I'm realizing is there are people everywhere, literally across the world, (Shout out to my girls in the UK & Spain!) who absolutely delight and celebrate that with me.

And those are the people I want to devote my heart and energy too.
And they are the ones I think of when I make a new video or write a new blog.

And I don't want to be bothered about finding love anymore.
Like it's my responsibility to catch it like some ball hurling a hundred miles an hour at my face.

I already possess it.
Buckets and heaps and mountains of love.
Flowing richly through my life.

My need for that love to be embodied in some male romantic partner is absolute poppycock.

I'm a rare and complex bird.
And it's not surprising I've yet to find a man who is strong enough to fly next to me.

They're all roaming on the ground.
And I'm through with hiding my wings to try and roam with them.

I want something so much greater.

And it feels amazing to feel that singing in my soul.
Even while the love dances in my heart stronger still.

To love and to truth.
And to following your frightened little heart to the depths of its passion.

How could I possibly need more than that?