"You are so free"

I've decided life is better when you have a secret. 

You know the real reason people have affairs?

Because it's fun having a secret. 

It makes the atoms within you constantly dance. 

With this energetic anticipation. 

You don't share. 

With anyone.

People are constantly judging you. 

All the damn time. 

This morning I was informed after the fact that it was "jean day" at work.

"We figured you weren't really a jean person," they defended. 

"Naw, not really," I played along.

Even though I'd already planned on wearing my favorite pair of skinny jeans out tonight with my friends. 

But sure. 

I'm not a jeans person. 

Whatever you want. 

That moment itself is arbitrary but shit like that happens all the time. 

People constantly think they know you. 

They get you. 

They've got you all figured out cuz they once had a friend who was sorta like you in those ways they think they understand and everyone's the same really especially if they too had big boobs and curly hair and were once embarrassingly hung up on some kid named Matthew. 

People and their presumptions fucking exhaust me. 

I'm not like your cousin, Dora. 

And I'm not like that girl who was in your math class. 

I'm MYSELF.

And I never noticed before just how frequently people are quick to judge how well they know what I would like or who I'd want to sleep with or whether I'd be up for taking the stairs because after all, I'm just a lazy American.

Do you know what is rare?

People that want to take the time to get to know who you secretly are.

People who'd rather ask you questions than make blanket statements. 

Already knowing everything never makes you appear smarter. 

You just appear dull.

What scintillating conversation, you already know everything I'm going to say.

Why don't I just smile and nod like the good little girl that I am?

I have a secret. 

I know what next week brings.

And those who have no idea have been treating me as such. 

Everyone has a secret. 

And I'm sure some are ones they never want anyone to discover. 

But if we could know each other's secrets I bet our interactions would be different. 

I bet we'd long to ask each other more questions and feel stupid for the presumptions we're always making. 

Upon news of my recent travels this girl I didn't know looked at me with curiosity. 

"I'm already talking with a friend about traveling abroad next year," I said. 

Her stare intensified.

'You're so free,' she said.

'I can't even go to California because of my children. There would be all this shouting, this difficulty. But you. You are free.'

I smiled. 

Single women never think about themselves like that.

But we are. 

Free.

I have the luxury of using my vacation time when I please, of spending my money however I choose, of going when I want because my choices are my priority and I have no one else controlling my life but me.

And that realization is extraordinary. 

I have a secret.

I want to see more. 

Seeing that small corner of Spain was like tasting my first piece of chocolate. 

The corners to be seen are vastly infinite. 

And taking that trip has stirred an awareness in me akin to what I felt when I purchased my first ruby and diamond ring. 

What have I been waiting for?

The only one to wait for is myself. 

And the only time to wait until is now. 

People will talk. 

And they will judge and presume. 

And few will ever actually invest the time it takes to learn the secret ticks of this longing heart of mine. 

But I will choose this moment.  

To adventure and risk. 

To travel to corners I've never known. 

To meet the lovers I've not yet imagined. 

And it won't always need to be thousands of miles away. 

It could be a new corner I've passed dozens of times and never bothered to stop and see. 

And it makes it so much easier to let go of those, the abundant presuming clowns, who couldn't see my truth, my cry for wild, ridiculous love. 

The lovers.

But also the friends. 

And for the first time, their judgement no longer moves me. 

Because they are what's behind. 

And my new found love is all that is ahead. 

The unknown. 

And the secrets I have yet to possess as my own. 

Waiting for me.

To find them. 

And delight in them. 

In ways only I could ever understand.