Your mind plays this trick on you.
And you suddenly forget everything, all the bad feelings, the drama, the times you imagined setting them on fire.
And all you actually feel is joy.
Your eyes can't believe what they're seeing because it's been ages since they looked on that figure, that body you once knew every inch of.
So you don't think you just move.
Towards them.
Nervous but mostly excited.
You fight your natural instinct to throw your arms around him the way you always used to.
That moment he'd desperately fight the smile that inevitably always formed on his lips.
And in this moment all you see is all those past moments because surely he will be as happy to see me once again.
After all, it's been months upon months, and it surely was serendipity that brought us together this same hour.
So you just smile and say, Hey.
And as he looks at you your memory suddenly wakes from its reverie.
Somewhere between rage and hate, an annoyance that I was not only breathing the same air as him but that I would dare be so near his face.
Apathy.
Disconnect.
Utter disdain for my fucking face.
Slightly overwhelmed by the energy pouring into me from him I happily rambled, How's it going?
He stared hard.
Cold.
Then looked away.
I'd rather we didn't talk, he said.
Dumbfounded I just stood there.
Shock immobilizes you.
To the point that you literally physically don't know what to do.
You can't actually do anything.
Because every muscle in your body is trying to absorb the disbelief.
The first movement I was able to make was to move my head.
I looked to my right and his climbing buddy looked at the ground.
Timid.
Ashamed.
Like she was embarrassed for me.
I didn't even know her!
Did she know about me?
I uttered nothing.
Not a sound.
And finally able to gain control of my body just turned and walked away.
What. The FUCK.
What the fuck had I done?
He wanted me to wait in line for an iPhone just weeks ago and now he was treating me like I'd murdered his mother.
We weren't even sleeping together!
How could any man hate me that much without having recently entered me?
I always blamed my vagina for turning men into assholes.
So what the hell?
But fine.
FINE.
I'm not gonna try and convince someone who looks at me like that to stay in my life.
I felt hollow when he looked into my eyes.
So I never texted.
I never reached out.
I accepted.
And that should have been it.
But the universe hates me.
I saw him again last night.
I almost walked into him.
And this time he didn't look at me with rage.
He looked at me like I was invisible.
He looked right into my eyes.
And held them captive in his gaze.
Like he was waiting to see what they'd do.
What I'd do.
And I felt like a dog.
Watching my owner drive away.
And I suddenly wanted to shout out WHY.
And I felt the urge to go running toward him.
And shout in his face WHAT DID I DO.
Because he was my world for so long.
But I just watched him walk away and did nothing.
Because I had nothing left.
He killed it all.
And I knew him.
And I hadn't seen him for months.
And I always climb at the same times.
And he knows that.
And I knew he'd wanted to run into me.
Because he hadn't been there for months.
And now he was.
Just so he could look deep into my eyes and let me know I mean nothing to him.
Dear god, universe, please, hear my broken heart.
Keep him away from my sight.
I can't bear to look into those vacant eyes.
The water will uncontrollably fall until I can't stand anymore.
Please spare me.
Isn't losing him enough for one lifetime?
First of all! F that douche. Isn't width your time. You're classy, he's a dick with no manners. Second, stop giving your power away! Love yourself, you're better than this!
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