The Barcelonian's 'Two Fucks & She's Out!' coupled with The Phantom's permanent hatred for me because I like his penis too much plus the sprinkling of several craptastic dates totally shattered my libido.
I didn't even wanna go les.
I just didn't wanna go.
I was like a sexless robot.
I didn't even want myself.
And I always want myself.
But like the moving tides (I sound like a fucking hippie) change was inevitable.
With no Sheldon, no Barcelonian and no Phantom making me feel bad about myself my week has been inundated (God, that's a great word) with men adoring me and making me feel incredible.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank the universe for restoring my faith in the male species.
When men continually treat you like a cigarette bud it becomes impossible to not take it personally.
As if stumbling upon a beautiful new gay boyfriend wasn't enough, I got to hang with him a couple days later and his super adorable new boyfriend.
My boyfriend's boyfriend is also now my boyfriend.
There are no other life goals.
That IS my life goal.
We all went out to hear some bands play and my GBF's BF fell head over heels for me.
"Girl, you are the bee's knees."
And in that moment, I fell for him too.
It's amazing what being around beautiful men who think you're fabulous does for your soul.
Gay or straight, the secret to happiness is having more beautiful men in your life.
High on gay boyfriend love and a little hungover I checked my email and found a review had been written in the Willamette Week for our show.
I stand out?
As the sassy busty pinup mistress?!
Oh fuck yeah!
I lied--there ARE other life goals and that was one of them.
Two life goals in two days?
This was totally making up for the curse of July and all the men who hated my vagina.
And because when it rains it fucking POURS, my phone rang that night after midnight and lo & behold, it was The Good Kisser Guy of yesteryear (and of one particularly fun whiskey filled night).
'Hello?' I answered much too questioningly.
(But seriously. My first thought was, Did his butt dial me??)
"Hey!" He said with a shit ton of enthusiasm. "I just wanted to say congratulations on the great review! I'm gonna come see it this weekend!"
'Thank you,' I said with a happy laugh.
If I had to guess which boy would call me to tell me that, I never in a thousand Tinder dates would have guessed it would be him.
(And yes we first met on Tinder. TINDER IS THE AMBASSADOR OF MY ORGASM!!)
"What are you up to right now?" He asked eagerly.
'Oh. Well I went climbing & for a run tonight since I didn't have to be at the theatre but I'm just going to bed now.'
"Did you wanna go out?"
'I have to work early tomorrow and I have the show so I shouldn't.'
"Oh come on. It's not even one."
Oh. He. TOTALLY. Wants. To sleep. With. Me.
He thinks I'm a star and he wants to see me naked??
MORE LIFE GOALS!!!
I'm on fucking fire!!
'I really can't tonight but let's hangout this weekend after the show.'
"Okay," he said with the same disappointment a kid would have if you told them you weren't stopping for ice cream.
I hung up the phone and for the first time since the night I smoked my first cigarette I actually wanted to have sex.
And he was coming to my show!
I was excited!
And......excited.
And just really fucking happy to feel something other than loathing for ALL PENISES EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm not saying Penes cuz that's just riDICKulous.
I showed up at the theatre the next day and someone tapped me on the shoulder.
Those are for you," he pointed.
'Are you SERIOUS?!'
It was a huge bouquet of sunflowers.
It even put my Daddy's roses to shame.
Sorry, Papa.
'If a secretary is not a toy why are you such a doll?' the card read.
It was from a gentleman who watches my YouTube channel and lives in AUSTRAILIA!!!
H O L Y S H I T.
Ok.
Life goals number--what are we on now??
Having a stranger from another country send you flowers to your theatre!!
Wow. Just wow.
The universe was like, Hey little girl, I know life's kinda kicked you in your uterus lately but here, have a fucking rainbow of adoration heaped on your heart. You're a star, little one. Forget about the fools who don't want to celebrate that.
Because you just never fucking know whose gonna surprise you.
And I don't even need it to be him anymore.
I truly don't.
I'm glad you liked the flowers - I had no idea what they were going to look like until I read your blog and I'm glad you liked them so much. I have no doubt you're crushing it in your performance tonight (last night from all the way over here) and for what it's worth, I think the green dress matches the gold of the sunflowers beautifully! ;-)
ReplyDeleteHugs from ten thousand miles away!