I'm pretty sure that is the core of all my life problems.
If I could just be one of those people who drink plenty of water I'd probably be a much more balanced and centered person.
I bet I'd quote Hesse more and say Namaste.
Because if I drank more water I'd probably like yoga.
And I bet I'd love dogs too.
And instead of blowing up someone's phone when they don't want to talk to me I'd just respect their need for space and send love their way in silence.
Of course.
I never drink water so I'm not like that at all.
I drink coffee and whiskey.
So I'm always dehydrated.
So instead of being balanced I'm edgy and sexually frustrated.
Instead of being centered I'm impulsive and craving constant validation.
I don't quote Hesse and I don't say Namaste.
I hate yoga and I hate dogs even more.
When someone ignores me I relentlessly communicate every syllable in my mind, convinced that I'M SO FUCKING CLEVER my wit will eventually instill a response.
FEEL SOMETHING.
AND FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.
At least Sheldon has responded to me.
All he ever writes is, No, sorry.
If I ever got a tattoo it would say No, Sorry.
Of course.
I would never get a fucking tattoo.
And if I was the type of person to get a tattoo it would never be something so negative.
It'd be the Chinese symbol for hope or a bird or something.
I remember hating tattoos and then falling in love with a kid who had a sleeve and I suddenly thought they were soooo sexy.
They are going to do a study one day and find that falling in love changes your DNA.
I literally turn into someone else.
I don't even know who that girl is.
She's bat shit crazy.
I'm someone in between.
Centered in my own chaos.
When people are important to me and they won't communicate there's suddenly a glitch in my matrix.
I'm like a cat without its whiskers and I can no longer walk in a straight line.
I'm in this infinite loop, stubborn, determined to use the Force (Help me Obi Won Kenobi, you're my only hope) to extract A sentence out of my beloved's mouth.
I actually fascinate myself.
Like.
I should be studied.
Such misplaced determination when there is NO evidentiary support for it.
AT ALL.
As though I have created an alternate time, some drug induced fantasy where I'm talking to someone other than the man who doesn't fucking care.
In the last 48 hours I've had three men I know, and don't know, go out of their way to communicate their admiration.
(And no, they weren't from Tinder, these were real life actual interactions in the non iPhone world.)
And do you know what I did today?
I texted The Phantom to tell him about my trip to Spain.
WHHHHYYYYYYY???
I am seriously a head case.
Like I will do something and be outside myself watching myself doing whatever the fuck it is I'm doing and be like, What are you doing?
But the me that's doing it doesn't even hear anything.
I feel like this is how I would behave if I was an addict only my drug of choice is obsession.
But I haven't even enjoyed it for a really long time.
So why is it still present?
I read a book once (Pre iPhone circa 2006) that talked about the way the brain works, how the mind wants to problem solve.
That when someone behaves one way and suddenly that behavior changes, our mind fixates on that one action trying to work it out and understand why it's different.
That it's actually the rational, linear mind at work.
And people just tell us to let go and move on.
Meanwhile our brain is working overtime to analyze and sort the events that make no fucking sense.
I'm not crazy.
Even though my Mother didn't have me tested.
I'm a rational fucking broad seeking an answer.
To the question my brain can't work out--
WHY?
WHAT THE FUCK WHY?
And since I will never get an answer my mind will continue attempts to try and work it out.
Until something new stumbles into my life for me to fixate on.
My taste in men directly mirrors my poor life choices.
And that's the real fucking problem right there.
I don't drink enough water.
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