She's.... Dynamic

When it comes to Tinder I'm kind of a whore. 

Not intentionally.

Though what whore doesn't own her sexual freedom?

Maybe it is intentional. 

Just not intentionally intentional. 

Like maybe I'll fuck and maybe I won't. 

Maybe I'll just be really entertained by some poor bastard and write a blog about him. 

That'd be keen too.

I don't read the bios. 

Tinder has photos and a self description and I almost NEVER read the bio.

Whore sees a hottie she swipes right. 

Why do I care that he likes yoga and dive bars and threesomes.

Also, why does every guy on Tinder think we care he likes tacos??

So I used to read them and then I realized it didn't matter cuz hot guy with a stupid bio is still hot guy and average looking guy with a brilliantly written bio is still not gonna see my lacy panties.

So

Yeah.

So I showed up for this date with hot guy. 

There was some stupid parade going on--A parade on Friday night?? Really Portland?--and I couldn't find parking ANYWHERE and I was gonna call it, except I had like, four bumble dates flake on me and here I was finally having a tinder date come through CUZ BUMBLE IS THE TINDER FOR MEN WHO ARE AFRAID OF GIRLS and then he called me We hadn't even met and he was calling me? And he said he would come to me and we could drive somewhere else so he showed up and got in my car and we headed to NW where the hipsters drank kombucha and carried their groceries in their arms because kill hate not trees.

We seemed to hit it off right away, conversation was natural, he had an openness and rawness that I was really into. 

He was also a little intense and passionate and I wondered if the way he slightly overwhelmed me was the way I made most men feel. 

So my girlfriend thinks you're really hot, she can't wait to meet you, he said. 

I blinked. 

What?

Yeah, you will love her, she's gonna meet up with us later.

Oh. Okay. Yeah. Cool. That's cool.

I sipped my questionable whiskey and opened my mouth to start to speak then stopped. 

So. Um. You're poly and your girlfriend's your primary?

Yeah, well, I mean, sort of. She's bi and it's just something we decided to explore recently.

And how long have you been dating?

Eight months.

Oh. And umm...if you're poly how come that wasn't on your profile?

It was on my profile. 

I blinked again. 

You didn't read my profile, did you?

Whoops. 

Guess I really should read the damn bios.

That's cool, I actually didn't really mind, except this wasn't the evening I was expecting to have and now I needed to not only hit it off with one date but two. 

But okay. 

Sure. 

Why the hell not?

The night that then transpired felt like a sequel to Gardenstate but not with the cutest romantic story between Natalie Portman and Zach Braff but just the weird scenes where they're trying to get money so the gravedigger friend can buy back the jewelry he pawned from Zach's dead mother.  

That part of the movie. 

We drank a ton and ended up at someone's birthday party and then went to my date's apartment so everyone could snort lines of blow and I made a concerted effort to act like it was totally no big deal even though I'd never been around cocaine before and again, I felt like I was in some scene from some movie. 

And his girlfriend sat down beside me on the bed and said, I don't do coke either and I thought, well that's cool, we have something in common. 

I prefer prescription drugs, she said, and I nodded slowly like, yeah I totally know what you're talking about when I had no idea what she was talking about and I wondered if shit was gonna get really weird but the only thing that happened was one of the girls got really animated talking about her three legged cat and I thought that was a little anticlimactic for witnessing three people do blow.

The night went on and on and more people entered the scene and some woman told me not to trust girls with no shoes on cuz they will steal your money and some couple sat beside us and talked about the stock market for twenty minutes and I thought this was the strangest tinder date I'd ever been on and I was kinda glad I didn't just bail when I couldn't find parking all those hours before. 

And the girlfriend and I seemed to hit it off, she was sassy and opinionated and open and I liked that, and my date kept running around talking to every soul that crossed his path, the most extroverted extrovert and I laughed and the girlfriend began to get uneasy, He shouldn't be ignoring us, and I said I didn't mind because we were having fun and he was just enjoying the strangers. 

But then she stormed into the bar and spoke something in his ear that stung because the next thing I knew she was storming out of the bar and stomping down the street and I stood there on the corner confused and then my date quickly came running out of the bar and saw me and asked which way she went and I pointed and had a bewildered expression in my eyes because what the fuck.

And he stopped and he looked at me and he tenderly said, She....can be.....very dynamic in her personality.

And his soft eyes smiled and he left me standing there as he ran after her and eventually they came back arm in arm and she told us over nachos she sometimes gets a little aggressive and they were laughing and devouring the chips and I just looked on in wonder. 

Because they were both fucking nuts. 

I mean, shit, we all were. 

But they got each other. 

He handled her crazy with a delicate understanding and she let him bring her back to reality and they were so turbulent and passionate and overwhelming. 

And it was beautiful. 

And I remember walking away from what ended up being our only date thinking that somewhere out there was a man who would look into the eyes of a beautiful stranger and refer to me as dynamic, with the same fear and reverence I saw in his eyes that night. 

And that. 

Would be amazing. 

Opus 9

I stopped feeling sad today. 

Yesterday, actually. 

And I feel like I shouldn't say this, but it was kissing that stranger that did it. 

I don't know how, because he ended up being another disappointment. 

But that was okay.

Because I wasn't actually ready for anything real.

But a moment.....

Experiencing a moment with someone else reminded me....

I'm gonna be okay.

Without you.

I'll be okay living without you.

And I know in some way that's what you need.

For me to be okay without you.

I wore a dress I love today and did my makeup and my hair fancy and wore jewelry that I love. 

And I felt happy. 

I felt like myself again. 

And I didn't need to text you anymore. 

I still thought of you.

I always think of you.

But last year...

Last year you were so mean to me. 

And this year you haven't been mean once. 

You've been a selfish little shit. 

But not mean. 

Not intentionally.

Not like you were before. 

And that somehow made me feel better. 

Realizing that your behavior towards me has had a softer touch than last year. 

That means it's different. 

And I take comfort in that. 

Even if it's fragmentary. 

And feeling happy again made me feel suddenly connected to you. 

And I could hear the conflict within you. 

That you want to see me. 

But you don't. 

And you want to say something. 

But you won't. 

And I felt calm. 

Calm. 

For the first time in weeks.

Months?

And I walked by a girl I used to feel so close to today and we nearly bumped into each other and she not only didn't say anything, she looked away.

She wouldn't even look at me. 

And I just stood there for a moment in disbelief. 

Are we really not even talking?

All because she hurt my feelings and "shouldn't have to apologize?" 

And that's that?

Yes. 

Because people don't want to deal. 

Because it's hard.

Because it's scary to tell someone the truth. 

And I don't have the energy to say It really hurt my feelings when you suggested we not be friends anymore. 

And she doesn't have the energy to say I'm sorry and I really miss you. 

So we say nothing. 

And I'm supposed to think you're a villain because you aren't saying anything. 

But people do that all the time to each other. 

Because sometimes it's easier to not say anything at all, than to trust someone with the frightening rawness of the truth. 

So I'm just trusting my instincts. 

And I'm holding onto the truths I still believe in. 

And I'm letting go of the things I don't. 

And a year ago I needed so badly for you to say something. 

But I don't need that anymore. 

And I've changed. 

And that feels amazing. 

But I've changed. 

And I've lost friendships because of it. 

And that feels sad. 

And I guess that's how this all goes. 

Isn't it?

There are moments of such lovely divine bliss. 

And then they are ended. 

And we have to let them all go. 

And then there are moments that leave us for a time but find their way back, because some connections exist, and withstand all our actions to destroy it, because they just are. 

That strong.  

And lasting. 

Even when we're the only ones who believe in it. 

And I wanted you to know.

I'm okay. 

I'm listening to Chopin and sipping Cointreau & Whiskey and I'm okay. 

I'm writing and I'm making videos again and I'm kissing strangers and I'm believing in fate and I'm okay. 

I think of you when I'm alone in my room and wishing I knew where you worked so I could look into your eyes again but I'm okay.  

And I wasn't. 

Okay. 

But I am. 

And you will be. 

And we'll see each other again. 

Maybe even soon. 

Wouldn't that be swell?

An unexpected delight?

We'd nearly bump into each other passing some corner but your eyes wouldn't look away, they would peer deep into mine. 

And I would smile. 

So abundantly happy. 

On that sunny day on Hawthornish and thirty something. 

It could happen. 

That perfect dream. 

Like this perfect nocturne. 

That's placing tears in the corners of my eyes. 

Emergency Exit

We almost went someplace else. 

Isn't that always how epic nights start?

We left our usual haunt because it was a bore and we set out to a different part of town and we stopped at a dive on Hawthorne but when we looked inside it was dead. 

Let's go to The Liquor Store, I said. 

And we quickly turned around and got back in the car. 

The bar was a zoo, which was what we were wanting. 

Getting lost in a sea of faces feels medicinal sometimes. 

We sat at the bar and the distance between our bar stools could fit two men: one to stand beside each one of us and kiss us.

It was kind of ridiculous. 

Amelie was a drunk little monkey and ordered some nachos (which she loved almost more than she loved me) and I ordered my second drink of the night.

A guy to my left started trying to chat us up and I felt like we were in that awkward scene in every romantic comedy where the girl is reeeeeeally not interested but trying to be polite and the guy is reeeeeeeally not getting the hint. 

Amelie abandoned me to join the line for the bathroom and I tried to make it clear to Eager Edward on my left that I was engrossed in the David Bowie film that was playing in the background.

Eventually Amelie came back and it wasn't long before another guy approached us. 

He came in between us (I'm telling you, the distance between those bar stools could hold an orgy) and leaned forward.

Oh, don't stop talking I'm just eavesdropping.

I looked into his face and smiled. 

This one was cute.

Being hit on by a guy whose unattractive is a nuisance. 

But being hit on by a guy whose hot is another story. 

He suddenly looked into my eyes like he was seeing me for the first time. 

He darted his head back and forth and did a twirl. 

Yes. 

A twirl. 

You are WONDERFUL, he exclaimed. 

Your boobs make me stupid.

He was obliterated, it was hilarious. 

Thank you, I said. You are very drunk, honey.

He leaned in and put his face very close to mine. 

You want a kiss? I asked. 

Really? He asked back, like a little kid that got to open a Christmas present early. 

He leaned in and kissed me. 

A long, slow kiss. 

The most soft and sensual a drunk stranger has ever kissed me. 

When he finally pulled his face away from mine a big grin stretched over his lips. 

You are incredible. I have to get back to my friends downstairs. 

My red lipstick was all over his lips. 

A perfect red kiss marked his left cheek. 

I didn't say anything and just smiled as he walked away. 

I'd kissed a stranger, sober, and very much enjoyed it. 

A lot. 

Way before I felt ready to. 

Which made it even more fantastic. 

I looked at Amelie who was looking at her nachos. 

Did you see that? I asked. Did you see what happened?

Huh?? She asked, dumbfounded. 

I just made out with that stranger. Did you not see that??

Uh uh, she shook her head, and piled a huge amount of chips in her face. 

Dammit, Amelie, I can't believe you missed my epic make out! I laughed.  

She just shrugged and smiled at me with nacho in her teeth. 

Fucking hell, I loved that girl. 

I'm sick of being so far away from you, let's go sit at the table by the window.

And we grabbed our stuff and sat at a table by the door that had a much better view of the room.

I looked up and realized I recognized a face. 

He was standing a few feet away from me, like he'd been placed there by the director of my life movie for our big scene. 

His eyes caught mine and he smiled. 

I smiled back but didn't move. 

He walked over toward me. 

Oh my god, it's Glasses, I whispered to Amelie. 

And I got up and gave him a hug. 

We'd already ran into each other a month ago at another bar I never go to.

The night I saw him on a date with someone else. 

We exchanged pleasantries until I finally playfully smacked him on the arm.  

You never texted me back, I said. 

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that. 

Was she your girlfriend or something?

No, just a friend in town, visiting.  

We looked at each other and were quiet. 

I had a good time with you, I finally said. 

He smiled, but didn't say anything.

I'm sure I'll see you around, he said. 

And I thought, yeah, because apparently the universe wants me to keep running into my fuck buddy whose number is saved in my phone as Glasses.

I didn't fucking get it. 

But I looked amazing, so there was that. 

He looked cuter than I remembered. 

Those dashing smiles, dammit. 

Fucking get me every time. 

I went back to Amelie and told her what happened. 

I looked at him and thought how funny it was running into him, again, at the bar we went to on our first date, like the universe enjoyed bringing things full circle so much. 

And at that moment I looked up and there was the stranger again. 

The one I'd kissed in the first five minutes of meeting him. 

He looked over and saw me and smiled.

And then he walked over and sat down beside me. 

This table was the best decision I'd made all night. 

I smiled back at him and we started talking. 

And it wasn't many minutes before he was kissing me again. 

Only this time, as he slowly leaned in, I saw out of the corner of my eye that Glasses was still standing in the same spot, a mere few feet away from me, and I saw a tiny smile of jealousy flash across his face before the stranger put his lips on mine. 

And it was in that moment I kind of fell in love with the universe. 

Because being rejected happens and when it's from the kid who was your drug to get over heartache it's extra rejecting. 

Because you don't really care but you still want to be wanted. 

Especially by someone who seemed to really enjoy being inside you.

And now here I was shamelessly making out with some guy I just met in front of the bar window like the glorious trollop that I am. 

He was so stupidly adorable I couldn't believe it. 

He was a videographer and I couldn't believe that either. 

He'd been in Bend that morning climbing at Smith Rock and I couldn't believe that.

You wanna go climbing with me sometime? He asked, smiling. 

Oh my god, yes. Yes, I want to go climbing with you.

I just want to take your picture. You're incredible. You're beautiful. You're really beautiful.

His sincerity was unnerving and yet I felt like I was having one of those moments where I'd suddenly understand why I didn't get to be with the man who was so scared of me. 

Do you have a boyfriend? He asked me. 

No. Do you have a girlfriend?

Yes. I do.

It was in that moment that I came back from cloud 9 to reality and remembered that men suck and there was a reason I wasn't looking to date anyone right now. 

We are headed for a bad place, I don't know what's gonna happen. I'm sorry, I just want to be honest with you.

I should have been mad. 

But I was so grateful to have felt a connection with someone that wasn't....him......I didn't even care. 

You want to hear something honest? I am heartbroken over a guy. And it felt incredible to have you kiss me at the bar and feel a connection with someone else. 

He looked at me in earnest. 

And. My old fuck buddy who totally rejected me is sitting over there at the bar and he totally saw us making out. 

He laughed, That's fucking epic. 

Yeah, I thought, it really kinda is. 

We looked at each other for a long time and started thinking about the things men think about when they look at beautiful women. 

He looked away from me and blushed. 

You heard what my eyes were saying, didn't you? I asked. 

Yeah, yeah I did. This is bad. Do you want to hear all the things I want to do to you?

Yes. But first I want another whiskey. Get me a whiskey and then you can tell me. 

Ok. Whiskey. 

He left the table and walked up to the bar a couple feet away from Glasses.

I smiled at him and then checked my phone to make sure Amelie had gotten home okay. 

I looked up and he was still standing there, smiling at me. 

He gave me a slight wave and he just looked so fucking happy and adorable I wondered if anything was actually gonna happen or if we were just gonna spend the night continuing to be honest with each other. 

The music blared on and I realized it had actually been a little while and I looked up and figured he must have gone to the bathroom. 

And then I realized there wasn't a line anymore and some girl suddenly came out of the bathroom and I looked to the right and noticed for the first time a sign. 

Two doors were there at the back of the bar. 

The door to the left, rest room. 

And above the door to the right read, emergency exit. 

And I knew in that moment he was gone. 

It couldn't have been more aptly placed, the door, or the sign. 

It was an emergency exit for him. 

I'm sure he'd sobered up enough in that moment as he stood there waiting to order some strange girl a drink and then realizing, what am I doing?

And I don't know what the fuck I expected to happen or what I even wanted to happen but you know, it felt really fucking nice to not feel sad for a moment. 

And to meet a man who wanted to adventure with me and capture my beauty that I felt so fucking attracted to. 

Fuck. 

I paid for my one drink and the buser told me I looked really beautiful and I smiled politely but my heart was already closed for the night. 

I'm just another fantasy, I thought. 

And another epic disappointment. 

But for a moment....

For a moment I believed again. 

In connection. 

And passion. 

And timing. 

And someday some man who was so captivated by me wouldn't run away when he realized what we could have together. 

Even if all the men I feel connected to now were running far far away.

clouds that look like clouds

She looked down at my phone as it lit up.

Oooh, someone's phone is blowin up! Whose texting you? Booty call!!

And I glanced down at my phone and smirked.

No one's texting me, that's just my Instagram.

I hadn't even thought about it until that moment when she brought it up.

But I am currently talking to zero guys.

No one.

Absolutely dick free life. 

I was out at the butte the other night and saw someone almost light a tree on fire. Nearly witnessed the burning down of the butte.

Oh yeah, were you up there with a date? He asked me.

And I grimaced. No, I told you I'm off men. I'm only hanging out with girls now.

Really? What happened?

Too much pain and sadness. But that's what whiskey and cigarettes are for. 

I hadn't even noticed--had I??--that there are no men in my life. 

And there are not only no potential lovers, my libido is non existent.  

I feel like that part of my body and my pheromones has shut down. 

And I don't even know what to make of it. 

I definitely have a lot of free time now that I'm not pursuing anyone or fucking anyone or swiping left until I think my thumb is gonna fall off. 

My phone is a lot more quiet. 

There's really only three girlfriends who text me all the time and when there's a notification that I have a text I don't even bat an eye expecting it to be anyone else. 

No one unexpected is going to be texting me. 

And I don't seem to have any reserves left in me to care.

If the pain is so severe inside you do your emotions just shut off because they can't deal?

I told a girlfriend today it felt like my heart had been poisoned and the pain was suffocating my joy. 

And then I read what I wrote and thought, Jesus, that was dark.

Dark before the dawn, she said.

My little sunshine.

The only good thing to come from all this is learning that I have some of the most amazing girlfriends on the planet. 

I'm not okay.

I'm trying. 

But I'm really fucking unhappy. 

It's poetic irony because one of the last things he said to me was, I never made you happy, you were never happy with me.

And here I am, free of any spec of him in my life and I can't think of a time I've been more miserable. 

Wasn't he just fucking wrong.

But I have figured out things that help.

Writing. 

I don't even know what to write but it keeps me sane. 

And being outside. 

Today I layed in the grass on my break and just stared at the clouds. 

I tried to play the game where you imagine what the shapes look like because I knew if I could see a unicorn in the cloud I was fine. 

But I stared at the two clouds above me and I searched and I searched and I finally gave up. 

They just looked like fluffy white clouds to me. 

The part of my brain that found magical unicorns in everything wasn't working either. 

No desire. 

No sparkle.

This was a very bizarre version of myself. 

And kinda left me at a loss. 

I looked away from the clouds, feeling defeated, but I at least enjoyed the sun on my pale pale skin and I thought the times under the stars and under the sun have been the most peaceful I've felt. 

So there's that.

I have that.

And I've made these incredible new friendships that seem to have literally picked up where the girls who dumped me left off and I wish it were that simple with my love life. 

But it's so much easier for me to find kindred spirits among women than it is with men. 

I don't really know anymore if there is a male soul mate out there for me. 

I feel more love and acceptance from the women I've known. 

The men I love just don't text me back.

And I don't know why I thought when he said he would never block me again that that meant he'd respond. 

But I guess a man who runs away from me when I try to kiss him goodbye is gonna hide from any words I try and share with him. 

I hate when people don't surprise you.

There's this moment in life when you know how a person is.

When you know that friend who seemed to love you has just written you off and will never reach out again. 

And you know that man who was frightened of his love for you has just run off and will never reach out while you still want him to. 

And it's awful. 

And they're terrible. 

But then there are moments under stars with people who still look into your eyes, full of love. 

And those moments make it bearable. 

That your heart can be so catastrophically wrong. 

three is the magic number

Today I woke up and was like

GAH

Fucking morning why are you such a fucking asshole?

But determined to find my inner sunshine I put on a pretty lace dress and two of my gorgeous rings I never wear anymore--Diamonds, dahling, that's why you've been so unhappy lately-- and did my hair real good and put my red lips on and sure enough. 

I still hated everyone. 

I guess I'm just in this new stage in life where I'm no longer happy all the time. 

I've been happy my whole damn life.

A girl wrote in my high school yearbook that she thought I was fake because "no one is that happy all the time."

But I was!

And I'm battling with myself, like, c'mon, Reese. 

We can be that way again. 

And then this woman was a cunt first thing in the morning so I was a cunt back and then she sent me an email apologizing. 

And I thought, maybe being a sassy bitch instead of a Pollyanna all the time isn't a bad thing. 

I haven't really known what to do or how to process this.....break up? 

Is that even what I'm to call it?

You have to actually have an established relationship with someone to "break up."

I feel like what I'm going through is some cosmic sick joke......here's this potential love of your life but it's not going to last long enough to become anything but it's gonna come back to you and then you're gonna lose it again but not in a way that has ANYTHING to do with you and it's clear he still has feelings for you but it's over now so be prepared cuz it's gonna come back again but not when or how you're expecting so fucking have fun with that. 

So I've decided I'm gonna fuck his friend because that seems like the logical thing to do.

I don't really feel sad anymore, which I guess is good.

Just sort of uncertain about how to process everything. 

And it's also weird to me when people just up and cease communication entirely. 

You like, occasionally talk on the phone, sometimes text, and then it's suddenly--nothing, absolutely nothing, 'cept an Instagram post that's not for me but it's mostly for me but it's not about me but let's be fucking real he doesn't give a shit about social media.

Congrats on the move, jerk face. Can you tell me where I can order a sparkling water and see you in action?

That would be useful. 

But fine. 

Fucking fine. 

Blah blah this isn't fun anymore. 

I need to delete these months from my brain and I don't know how.

So.

Yeah.

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out.

I have no idea what to do or how to do it but I feel more open to anyone and everything than I ever have in my life so at least there's that. 

No fucking clue what's gonna happen next but at least I know something will.

Cuz I definitely don't enjoy thinking about him anymore. 

And the only way to stop thinking about something is to think about someone else instead. 

I can't wait for him to find out. 

on the verge of some great truth.

I hate the morning. 

I've never been one of those people who wakes up and is stoked to start a new day. 

I'm generally irritable and don't wanna wake up. 

I hit the snooze seventeen times.

I feel loneliest in the morning.

Unmotivated.

I kind of hate everything including my cat who paws at my face at 7:30am every day even on Sunday's, fucking cat.

Ugh.

But in the evenings.....

The evenings I come alive. 

I'm inspired and talkative. 

I believe in things and am fascinated by people. 

Night is when I fall in love and climax alone and make new best friends. 

She texted me out of the blue and I actually love it when people are like, what are you up to right now this second in an hour I want to see your face and go adventuring and you were the person that came to mind right now in this exact moment.

Planning is fine. 

And I understand it's necessity especially for my friends who have such grown up lives their responsibilities outweigh their freedoms. 

But my favorite times are the spontaneous ones. 

The accidental adventures. 

The times I'm at home in my underwear and with one text I'm suddenly driving under the stars racing to see someone because drinking wine in the dark beside them is the only thing that matters. 

We met for a drink which turned into more drinks which turned into getting picked up by guys at the bar who eventually left and then turned into getting picked up by another pair of guys at the bar which turned into us both realizing we weren't interested in any of them so we ran off into the night to yet another bar and after hours and hours of silly conversation and vulnerable conversation and meaningless stories and heartfelt tales she finally looked me in the eyes and asked, Do you wanna go listen to music in your car?

So we parked on some dark corner on some dark street and put our seats all the way back and looked at the stars peering over the trees outside our windows and she picked a song and then I picked a song and then that reminded her of a song and then all of a sudden we were listening to songs I fell in love with when I was nineteen. 

And then the musicals started and I was belting in my car at two in the morning with a girl I've known a mere moment whose holding my hand and so completely present my heart is literally falling in love with her. 

And after I play her the song he spoke to me she tilts her head towards mine, the moonlight bouncing off her cheeks and asks, What if from time to time you sent him a song?

And I turned my head away from her and smiled at the stars and squeezed her hand because I'd spent the week feeling isolated and inundated with ideas from people who didn't understand my heart and nine hours together in the middle of the night music blaring in my car this girl saw my resolute spirit and understood. 

And I felt so happy I could have cried. 

Happy to feel the vast sea of love and pain surging through my veins. 

Happy to be reminded how music is really sometimes all you need. 

And happy to be holding the hand of someone who made me feel less alone, who made me feel seen and accepted. 

And it somehow made it easier on my heart to accept that it may be years before I ever see him again. 

Unfriend

I think the thing I find most disturbing about this heartache is that I'm finding I actually don't relate to a lot of my friends I thought got me. 

It's easy to feel connected to girlfriends when you're getting dinner and going shopping and everything in your life is happy and exciting and fun. 

It's actually really unnerving to realize when you're hurting that a lot of people not only don't understand, they're judging you and your choices, they're diminishing your feelings, and more than that, they just think you're wrong. 

I've learned a really critical lesson this year and that is I actually don't like sharing the raw vulnerability of my heart with most of the people I know. 

I finally understand why people don't open up. 

Why they're not transparent and vulnerable and honest. 

It really fucking sucks when other people open their mouth and make you feel tiny and insignificant because who you are is so vastly different from them. 

I've started so many blogs this week and stopped writing them because I don't want to share my thoughts. 

I don't want the "friends" who read this and judge me but never reach out and actually see if I'm okay, to get to know any more of my heart. 

Because honestly?

Fuck you.

Fuck your judgement and your condescension. 

I have felt more comfort from strangers than I have from the people who should know me. 

And how the hell is that even possible?

I had a girlfriend who knew she hurt my feelings last week completely ignore me and then say she was "giving me space" because everyone knows I'm the type of person who doesn't want to get conflict resolved and why should you reach out and apologize when I could have space?

Fucking space. 

What a joke. 

That was her lie for I didn't want to deal with you.

See, the thing of it is, folks. 

Friendships are not forever. 

Nothing is. 

But no one ever wants to talk about the expiration date on female relationships. 

Because that would be, oh I don't know, unpleasant.

But I'm going to change. 

And because I'm changing I'm going to try new things and make new decisions. 

And when you judge my actions you judge me.

And I don't actually want to change who I am for your level of comfort. 

I don't actually have to take your advice because you are not actually qualified to give it. 

Who the hell do you even think you are?

How come when someone's hurting people don't just say, that really sucks, I'm so sorry, do you wanna go get ice cream and tell me all you're feeling?

No, they're like, well I told you something like this would happen and what did you expect and let it go and find another cock and I'm so fucking mad at everyone I could literally bitch slap them in their smug faces. 

Do you know that I have not felt this condescendingly judged in my life since the year people found out I'd had an affair with a married man?

Why do people think they're so together and above everything?

You're not together you're a fucking fraud. 

And I haven't done anything for fucks sake!

And the fact you're trying to make me feel bad when I already feel bad is disgusting. 

I will totally be okay if you just stalk my social media and occasionally like the photos of trees I post and we never need to actually spend time together again. 

Because I would never make you feel small for trying something new. 

I would never make you feel wrong for putting yourself out there and living a life grounded in hope. 

And I would rather have three friends I can genuinely be my fucked up self with than continue to collect people who don't accept me when I'm broken.