clouds that look like clouds

She looked down at my phone as it lit up.

Oooh, someone's phone is blowin up! Whose texting you? Booty call!!

And I glanced down at my phone and smirked.

No one's texting me, that's just my Instagram.

I hadn't even thought about it until that moment when she brought it up.

But I am currently talking to zero guys.

No one.

Absolutely dick free life. 

I was out at the butte the other night and saw someone almost light a tree on fire. Nearly witnessed the burning down of the butte.

Oh yeah, were you up there with a date? He asked me.

And I grimaced. No, I told you I'm off men. I'm only hanging out with girls now.

Really? What happened?

Too much pain and sadness. But that's what whiskey and cigarettes are for. 

I hadn't even noticed--had I??--that there are no men in my life. 

And there are not only no potential lovers, my libido is non existent.  

I feel like that part of my body and my pheromones has shut down. 

And I don't even know what to make of it. 

I definitely have a lot of free time now that I'm not pursuing anyone or fucking anyone or swiping left until I think my thumb is gonna fall off. 

My phone is a lot more quiet. 

There's really only three girlfriends who text me all the time and when there's a notification that I have a text I don't even bat an eye expecting it to be anyone else. 

No one unexpected is going to be texting me. 

And I don't seem to have any reserves left in me to care.

If the pain is so severe inside you do your emotions just shut off because they can't deal?

I told a girlfriend today it felt like my heart had been poisoned and the pain was suffocating my joy. 

And then I read what I wrote and thought, Jesus, that was dark.

Dark before the dawn, she said.

My little sunshine.

The only good thing to come from all this is learning that I have some of the most amazing girlfriends on the planet. 

I'm not okay.

I'm trying. 

But I'm really fucking unhappy. 

It's poetic irony because one of the last things he said to me was, I never made you happy, you were never happy with me.

And here I am, free of any spec of him in my life and I can't think of a time I've been more miserable. 

Wasn't he just fucking wrong.

But I have figured out things that help.

Writing. 

I don't even know what to write but it keeps me sane. 

And being outside. 

Today I layed in the grass on my break and just stared at the clouds. 

I tried to play the game where you imagine what the shapes look like because I knew if I could see a unicorn in the cloud I was fine. 

But I stared at the two clouds above me and I searched and I searched and I finally gave up. 

They just looked like fluffy white clouds to me. 

The part of my brain that found magical unicorns in everything wasn't working either. 

No desire. 

No sparkle.

This was a very bizarre version of myself. 

And kinda left me at a loss. 

I looked away from the clouds, feeling defeated, but I at least enjoyed the sun on my pale pale skin and I thought the times under the stars and under the sun have been the most peaceful I've felt. 

So there's that.

I have that.

And I've made these incredible new friendships that seem to have literally picked up where the girls who dumped me left off and I wish it were that simple with my love life. 

But it's so much easier for me to find kindred spirits among women than it is with men. 

I don't really know anymore if there is a male soul mate out there for me. 

I feel more love and acceptance from the women I've known. 

The men I love just don't text me back.

And I don't know why I thought when he said he would never block me again that that meant he'd respond. 

But I guess a man who runs away from me when I try to kiss him goodbye is gonna hide from any words I try and share with him. 

I hate when people don't surprise you.

There's this moment in life when you know how a person is.

When you know that friend who seemed to love you has just written you off and will never reach out again. 

And you know that man who was frightened of his love for you has just run off and will never reach out while you still want him to. 

And it's awful. 

And they're terrible. 

But then there are moments under stars with people who still look into your eyes, full of love. 

And those moments make it bearable. 

That your heart can be so catastrophically wrong.