Bye Bye Bestie

She dumped me. 

I can't even tell you what happened. 

Fifteen years later, I get a text. 

Love to you.

What does that even mean?

Matthew sent love my way once.

Is that like the namaste version of I don't love you but I'm a spiritual person whose better than you so here's a little love because I'm so very generous, spirit flower?

She could have picked up the fucking phone. 

Or shit, I don't know, seen me.

It's fate, really, because she's behaving the way she knows my past lovers have done. 

She sounds just like Nick in the letter he wrote you last summer, Mom said. 

Jesus. 

Sounding like the kid who told me being around me disrupted the energy of his soul?

What a life goal right there. 

I'm so fucking hurt. 

I said I love you, I said I'm hurting.

And she said, I just need to focus on myself right now.

Are you allowed to just dismiss someone's plea for you?

I always will be here as your friend. 

Right. 

Just not right now. 

Just not in any way you know I need.

It's the girlfriend equivalent of We can still be friends when everyone knows after a breakup. 

You never fucking stay friends. 

But thanks a heap for the platitudes and niceties. 

I'm glad you could feel centered and balanced while you told me to fuck off. 

I was much more succinct. 

Fuck you, bestie.

What a bunch of self indulgent victimizing bullshit. 

I've been with you longer than your spouse and you suddenly can't be bothered to deal with me?

I shut another woman out of my life because of her mistreatment of you and now I'm being shut out.

That's perfect. 

Good for you. 

Good for you for sending me such perfectly composed, calculated texts. 

After all, a text message really is the most truthful way to communicate. 

I mean, shit, Matthew used Facebook messenger but you, you really took it up a notch, you used a text. 

I'd tell you what I really thought of you but I know you won't read this now that you're too zen to participate in social media. 

Fucking hell. 

You know what's sad?

You want to know the most fucked up part about this break up?

I 

don't 

miss her. 

We've been so fucking estranged for so goddamn long and I haven't been able to count on her or trust her with who I truly am for so long, the only time I missed her was when I was sobbing and wanted the familiarity of her comfort. 

Now she's some stranger telling me we had an amazing season of friendship. 

HAD.

Our season. 

HELLO!!

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE IM SOME STRANGER IN SOME DAMN YOGI CLASS THIS IS ME WHY ARE YOU BEING SO FAKE WE USED TO BE US WHERE IS MY FRIEND

But fine. 

Fucking fine. 

Seasons. 

Let me tell you about my current season. 

I don't wear makeup to work anymore.

I don't care. 

Anymore. 

About things that used to matter.  

I'm a mess. 

I'm depressed and discouraged and I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. 

I'm heartbroken. 

I don't believe in love. 

I believe in pain. 

I'm lost and I'm hurting and the last time I reached out to you and we talked on the phone I hung up and I felt like shit. 

You made me feel like absolute shit. 

Because you don't understand me at all anymore. 

And everything you had to say was such harsh criticism, I couldn't believe you were talking to me that way. 

And that's my fault. 

It's my fault you pushed me away and never let me know what was going on. 

I'm sorry I don't have a boyfriend and I'm sorry I don't work out every day. 

I'm sorry I don't eat enough kale and I'm so so goddamn sorry I missed your fucking concert. 

If I knew you were going to kick me out of your life because of it I would have gone. 

But why would it even matter if I was there when I'm not your family anymore?

If you don't need me to be a part of what you're feeling or what you're dealing with, if you don't need me the ways you used to, why do you think I would assume I need to be there for some event that has nothing to do with me?

That event was for family. 

And I'm just people, remember?

You've been pushing people away. 

I'm one of the mass of faces. 

I've stopped being your person for months now. 

No, no, this is so completely fucked up.

You are doing EXACTLY what every man whose broken my heart has done. 

Exactly. 

Knowingly. 

Intentionally. 

The very way you know, cuts my heart. 

Shut me out. 

Stopped communicating. 

So you can balance your chi.

While I'm not okay. 

While you don't care that I'm not okay. 

And maybe one day, maybe one day, you'll send me another feigned text, and we can meet for chai, cuz you would never dare drink coffee, and we can pretend we give two fucks that we have even less in common, that we have become absolute fucking strangers, because you decided to dump me.

During the time I needed you more than I ever have. 

Love to you?

No.

Keep your lies. 

I have nothing more to say to you.