three is the magic number

Today I woke up and was like

GAH

Fucking morning why are you such a fucking asshole?

But determined to find my inner sunshine I put on a pretty lace dress and two of my gorgeous rings I never wear anymore--Diamonds, dahling, that's why you've been so unhappy lately-- and did my hair real good and put my red lips on and sure enough. 

I still hated everyone. 

I guess I'm just in this new stage in life where I'm no longer happy all the time. 

I've been happy my whole damn life.

A girl wrote in my high school yearbook that she thought I was fake because "no one is that happy all the time."

But I was!

And I'm battling with myself, like, c'mon, Reese. 

We can be that way again. 

And then this woman was a cunt first thing in the morning so I was a cunt back and then she sent me an email apologizing. 

And I thought, maybe being a sassy bitch instead of a Pollyanna all the time isn't a bad thing. 

I haven't really known what to do or how to process this.....break up? 

Is that even what I'm to call it?

You have to actually have an established relationship with someone to "break up."

I feel like what I'm going through is some cosmic sick joke......here's this potential love of your life but it's not going to last long enough to become anything but it's gonna come back to you and then you're gonna lose it again but not in a way that has ANYTHING to do with you and it's clear he still has feelings for you but it's over now so be prepared cuz it's gonna come back again but not when or how you're expecting so fucking have fun with that. 

So I've decided I'm gonna fuck his friend because that seems like the logical thing to do.

I don't really feel sad anymore, which I guess is good.

Just sort of uncertain about how to process everything. 

And it's also weird to me when people just up and cease communication entirely. 

You like, occasionally talk on the phone, sometimes text, and then it's suddenly--nothing, absolutely nothing, 'cept an Instagram post that's not for me but it's mostly for me but it's not about me but let's be fucking real he doesn't give a shit about social media.

Congrats on the move, jerk face. Can you tell me where I can order a sparkling water and see you in action?

That would be useful. 

But fine. 

Fucking fine. 

Blah blah this isn't fun anymore. 

I need to delete these months from my brain and I don't know how.

So.

Yeah.

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out.

I have no idea what to do or how to do it but I feel more open to anyone and everything than I ever have in my life so at least there's that. 

No fucking clue what's gonna happen next but at least I know something will.

Cuz I definitely don't enjoy thinking about him anymore. 

And the only way to stop thinking about something is to think about someone else instead. 

I can't wait for him to find out.