Yes, Matthew
I can say your name too
I have nothing to hide
It's the same name I moan when I'm wishing you were
Inside
This mind, this parasitic tick, of your venom echoes in endless loops
I've been polite
Polite?
Please, you've treated me like a whore, some common slut you enjoyed in shame tossing with the same disgust you had for that menthol cigarette
No, dearest one,
You have not been polite
You've ran, disregarded, disrespected, given no fucks
You begged me to come over bend me over then ignored me for a month
Then you needed a fix so you wrote me, sent a love song, needed more
And you planned our summer together and wondered how we'd endure time apart when autumn explored
Then again
Yes, again
You disappeared, disregarded, disrespected, gave absolutely no fucks
Until I found you and wanted the answer
Which you revealed through well performed tears
Bravo, brave warrior, it must have been rough to finally share such truth
And lies
Because it's all the same
You see
I've found out your trick your inconsistency is that it's always both
The truth is a lie
Your lies become your truth
You chose a woman who tried to kill you and shunned the woman who tried to love you
But you're right
I'm always right
He says, I'm always the one whose right about everything anything any living being
I know
He says, so how can I even speak
I am wrong
I don't know you at all
Each time you let me in, shared such intimate thoughts, it wasn't me, there's no connection, I am a pawn
A plastic game piece for you to move from one square to another
No, I'm not right, in what I feel, believe, have fought for
I'm just some woman
Another fucking woman
Inconvenient, creepy, crazy, stalking woman
You don't want to see me
You didn't post those photos for me
You wanted all your other friends to know
39th and Hawthornish
Where the people who really know you can go
Drink and be merry
For tomorrow
Hope to wake up tomorrow
Still a fool tomorrow
Won't budge a stubborn inch tomorrow
Still read this blog tomorrow
I do not accept your wild inconsistencies
NO
I AM RIGHT
You're right, it's hard for me to admit that because I'm always right, but you're right
I'm what??
You're right
Yes, me
Me me ME fucking me have you ever paused a moment to actually consider me?
The city is full of pussy what the fuck have you needed with me
Just to take all the darkness you carry inside and heave it on my light
So maybe I'll feel nothing
Like you
Care for no one
Like you
Take all until I can no longer breathe
Like you do
I went there
You villain
Because you said the times last year got you through
I went there for you
You shouldn't have been there
But you wanted me to
You wanted me to find you
Wanted me to need you so desperately, reach out frantically, so you, for a moment, could feel value
And I sent each image because you willed me to
Feel wanted desired fantasized
And now do you want my truth?
I am relieved.
Thankful
I no longer house the responsibility to reach out
For your sake
I hate never getting replies
It makes me feel ugly inside
Your response
Your final reply
was to something I didn't even do
I didn't fucking chase you call out your name
I sat quietly
Waited patiently
Accepted your cowardice gracefully
And you finally composed poetry to tell me
I don't want you
When the only other times we spoke I was the cracked country lips you still wished to kiss and you were thanking your lucky stars that you found me and I was your sexual soulmate
At least I'm poetic when I'm drunk
Remember?
Do you even fucking remember?
But no, I'm wrong, stupid little woman,
Fuck you you're wrong
All that was in good fun
Do you even know what that word means?
It wasn't real because you're unfathomable
Your actions, your words, all in such violent opposition, contradiction.
You would stab me then look into my eyes and ask, What have you done?
Yes, this is my fault,
I should have listened to all those things you didn't say
You were polite
And I was crazy
Yes, this story, this connection, was a dark fantasy, an invention of my gullibility, what we have, why, we have nothing
This has never been something
I stood on the wrong street at the wrong hour and you preyed on me
Such tempting, willing flesh, begging to be devoured by your apathy
Yes, I will respect you for once, my Dom,
Do just as you say, my Dom,
Smacked in the face til I scream
You're right my Dom
Always
Right
Alone even inside her all night
Right
OKAY YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT
I SAW YOUR POST AND I DIDN'T GO SEE YOU TONIGHT ALRIGHT
You don't get to fuck me up fuck her up fuck all the ones who don't really know you up
Me?
Me
You never saw
Me
Never held onto
Me
I need to fight for
Fight for
Love
I forgave in love
Believed, trusted, fought for love
The word we never spoke but understood
Love
The reason you ran from my lips
Love
Undeserving unrequited stubborn unending love running through rivers and roads to my boundless fucking hate this pain but still must outside of my control LOVE
You cruel unfeeling monster
I Still Love
Heaping this warmth on your frigid icy heart love
I am
Love
I will heal from this
love
I could never hate you because love
I gave you my heart and you gave me a facebook message love
Lover it's never over
But please stop cutting into these hearts
The crack in that glass will turn to shards in your hands
And if everything in your mouth is mere lies
was there not one truth that you spoke
Could you find it again in all the highs, love?
And rebuild the holocaust we now stand in
Please Love?
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