Our New Place

I woke up dazed. 

Hungover. 

Numb. 

Last nights mascara stuck to my cheek. 

It felt like I'd dreamed it.

But of course

I hadn't. 

My dreams aren't that fucked up.

I had to get up because I had a photoshoot which I desperately wanted to cancel but I figured that was a terrible idea since it was a paid gig and I'm such a novice I don't want to start having a reputation for being a flake. 

Even though I was sobbing while trying to hide my pain with Kat Von D foundation.

So I went and thankfully because the photography process is so slow there was a lot of time where I was waiting. 

I didn't have to be on.

I just kind of zoned out and watched the honeybees sipping flowers on the grass wondering why they're always portrayed as cute in cartoons when in real life I'm terrified of being stung. 

Then moments from last night replayed in my mind and I cringed. 

And I tried to look at the blue sky and think about other things.

The students in the class were a welcome distraction. 

One told me he wanted me to smile for his photo because my smile was so lovely. 

The shot of each photo lasted several seconds before it was complete so I had to hold my giant grin for what felt an awkwardly long time.

He told me that was perfect and took the tin film cartridge inside to be developed. 

I felt relieved that I didn't have to smile anymore. 

I zoned out once again looking at the grass. 

It was a strange feeling, being able to turn on the exuberance for an audience. 

And then go back to listless and lifeless when no one was looking. 

When the session was over I was grateful.

It had helped. 

A little. 

Being around strangers.

Being distracted. 

But I also wanted it to be okay for me to just feel numb. 

I met Amelie and we went for brunch. 

Brunch at 3pm felt appropriate. 

The streets were quiet. 

The restaurant was empty. 

I'm glad it's sunny, Amelie said. 

I wanted it to rain so the weather would match my mood, I said. 

Amelie looked at me knowingly. 

But we don't always get what we want. 

I sipped my water. 

Our waiter came over and was so friendly.

He made us laugh.

He sat down at the table and started telling us stories. 

It was this new energy, for both of us, suddenly.

Silly, happy, carefree light being shoved in both our faces. 

And it was wonderful. 

When he brought us our bill he said, I bought your drinks, ladies. 

It was such a small thing but he walked away and I looked at Amelie, See, that. Made me happy. 

There were still moments. 

Moments that made me happy. 

And it felt like this lifeline. 

Something to hold onto when everything else was crumbling around me. 

When I couldn't get a hug from her anymore or a saz from him anymore.

We got up to leave and he gave us each a hug.

We took a few steps away from the restaurant then looked at each other and hugged. 

We have a new place, I said. 

Yeah, this will be our new bar. 

Who needs Barlow when we have Brayden.

And who knows. 

Maybe he even made an amazing sazerac.