Opus 9

I stopped feeling sad today. 

Yesterday, actually. 

And I feel like I shouldn't say this, but it was kissing that stranger that did it. 

I don't know how, because he ended up being another disappointment. 

But that was okay.

Because I wasn't actually ready for anything real.

But a moment.....

Experiencing a moment with someone else reminded me....

I'm gonna be okay.

Without you.

I'll be okay living without you.

And I know in some way that's what you need.

For me to be okay without you.

I wore a dress I love today and did my makeup and my hair fancy and wore jewelry that I love. 

And I felt happy. 

I felt like myself again. 

And I didn't need to text you anymore. 

I still thought of you.

I always think of you.

But last year...

Last year you were so mean to me. 

And this year you haven't been mean once. 

You've been a selfish little shit. 

But not mean. 

Not intentionally.

Not like you were before. 

And that somehow made me feel better. 

Realizing that your behavior towards me has had a softer touch than last year. 

That means it's different. 

And I take comfort in that. 

Even if it's fragmentary. 

And feeling happy again made me feel suddenly connected to you. 

And I could hear the conflict within you. 

That you want to see me. 

But you don't. 

And you want to say something. 

But you won't. 

And I felt calm. 

Calm. 

For the first time in weeks.

Months?

And I walked by a girl I used to feel so close to today and we nearly bumped into each other and she not only didn't say anything, she looked away.

She wouldn't even look at me. 

And I just stood there for a moment in disbelief. 

Are we really not even talking?

All because she hurt my feelings and "shouldn't have to apologize?" 

And that's that?

Yes. 

Because people don't want to deal. 

Because it's hard.

Because it's scary to tell someone the truth. 

And I don't have the energy to say It really hurt my feelings when you suggested we not be friends anymore. 

And she doesn't have the energy to say I'm sorry and I really miss you. 

So we say nothing. 

And I'm supposed to think you're a villain because you aren't saying anything. 

But people do that all the time to each other. 

Because sometimes it's easier to not say anything at all, than to trust someone with the frightening rawness of the truth. 

So I'm just trusting my instincts. 

And I'm holding onto the truths I still believe in. 

And I'm letting go of the things I don't. 

And a year ago I needed so badly for you to say something. 

But I don't need that anymore. 

And I've changed. 

And that feels amazing. 

But I've changed. 

And I've lost friendships because of it. 

And that feels sad. 

And I guess that's how this all goes. 

Isn't it?

There are moments of such lovely divine bliss. 

And then they are ended. 

And we have to let them all go. 

And then there are moments that leave us for a time but find their way back, because some connections exist, and withstand all our actions to destroy it, because they just are. 

That strong.  

And lasting. 

Even when we're the only ones who believe in it. 

And I wanted you to know.

I'm okay. 

I'm listening to Chopin and sipping Cointreau & Whiskey and I'm okay. 

I'm writing and I'm making videos again and I'm kissing strangers and I'm believing in fate and I'm okay. 

I think of you when I'm alone in my room and wishing I knew where you worked so I could look into your eyes again but I'm okay.  

And I wasn't. 

Okay. 

But I am. 

And you will be. 

And we'll see each other again. 

Maybe even soon. 

Wouldn't that be swell?

An unexpected delight?

We'd nearly bump into each other passing some corner but your eyes wouldn't look away, they would peer deep into mine. 

And I would smile. 

So abundantly happy. 

On that sunny day on Hawthornish and thirty something. 

It could happen. 

That perfect dream. 

Like this perfect nocturne. 

That's placing tears in the corners of my eyes.