My heart dropped into my stomach.
I hadn't heard from him in a month.
It was a facebook message and I don't know how, but I somehow knew it was bad.
Maybe because he started the message with Teresa.
And he only ever used my actual name when he was mad at me.
Any other time I was sweetie or baby or dear.
But today I was Teresa.
You almost got me fired. I almost lost my job because you decided to drunkenly storm through our kitchen...all the while calling for me.
Oh my god.
I hate to use words like creepy, crazy or stalker so don't make me.
He thinks it was me.
I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be friends with you.
He's so angry.
You're no longer allowed in, by the way.
I could feel the rage in each of his words.
I wrote back that I was sorry but that it wasn't me, that Amelie had been upset.
It doesn't matter you shouldn't have been there.
I replied that I wished we could have a conversation that wasn't through text.
That is not an option. Fare thee well.
And I didn't reply.
There was such an eerie calmness that came over me as I stepped outside on my break and called Amelie to tell her what happened.
I wasn't mad and sadness wasn't the right word either.
It was just such a tragic set of circumstances that I could do absolutely nothing about.
I'd spent the last month wondering where he was, hoping one day I would find him again, just to look into those eyes that once enjoyed gazing into mine.
And I thought it would be months before that ever happened.
Then, wondrously, someone had just handed us his new location, and I finally had the chance to see him again sometime.
And just as quickly as we had found him, he had banished me from his bar because of something my adorably clueless best friend had done.
And so there wasn't any room for doubt, he'd even stamped his verbal execution with his fare thee well, just as he'd done a year ago.
It was all far too familiar, and since we'd been through all this already, all I really thought after reading his anger was, I don't believe you.
This is what he does, Mother reminded me, I love you I can't live without you then I hate you get out of my life.
It probably should have stung my wounded heart but I had already learned the truth weeks ago about what I meant to him so I just processed his words as anger.
And released them.
I called Amelie and told her what happened.
She was devastated.
Hey, I told her, It's okay, I'm not mad at you. This is not your fault. Don't you know how much I love you. That the reason I didn't see him when he walked out was because I was looking at you because I love you and was worried about you and in that moment, even though I should have been staring at the door waiting to finally get to see him, I was staring at you. Because you mean more to me. You're my soul mate.
She started crying and I started crying and the sun sang down gently on my skin.
It's just so sad, she said. You waited so long to be able to see him again and we finally found him and now we can't go back.
I know. It sucks.
What do you want to do tonight?
Can we just watch Nana and cry?
Yeah. Let's watch Nana and cry.
I ended up down on the waterfront that night.
I walked around the river and saw the couple's holding hands and the teenagers catching Pokemons and I did cry but it wasn't out of sadness.
I used to spend hours by this river last year wishing I knew the truth, wishing he'd reveal the secrets of his heart.
And this year, by some miracle, he had.
He'd poured his heart out for hours and hours, telling me things I never knew, about her, about his feelings for me, about why he always pushed me away.
And now I knew.
I cried because I finally knew the truth.
And I couldn't have him and I didn't get to look into his face and I would never again have the perfect sazerac.
But I at least had the truth.
I had the answer, the cry of my heart, what I'd known and fought for and held onto for so very long.
And somehow that was enough.
Where are you? Amelie asked me.
And I smiled because.
Timing.
I'm almost to the Hawthorne bridge, I said.
I'll meet you there.
And I stood there, looking out over the city, memories flooding my eyes, joy fighting it's way to my heart.
And I glanced over my shoulder and saw her.
A blurry form, her outline faint, but I still knew.
It was her.
A hint of her signature color, burgundy, reached my eyes first.
The color caused water to form at the corners as I blinked.
I stood there watching her.
Coming towards me, slow, her arms clutching her sweater.
The corners of water spilled down my cheeks.
I'd wanted, for as long as I could remember, him to meet me on this bridge.
In so many ways it was a metaphor of our love because I knew he never would.
But Amelie was.
Because she was my actual soul mate.
And I didn't need him anymore when he had been so harsh, so violent in his dismissal of me.
I started walking towards her and when we were finally within arms reach of each other she reached hers out and started crying too.
I'm so sorry, she sobbed.
I know. It's okay, I whispered back. I love you.
I love you too.
We stood there for awhile just staring at the city lights.
It was a strange feeling, to be heart broken and okay at the same time.
You know where we should go?
Where?
The Box Social.
It was our favorite bar.
It was the place we used to always go before all of this started.
Yeah, I smiled, Let's go there.
And we both already started feeling like ourselves again.
Which is easier than I realized.
Accepting those who won't accept you.
Loving, without ever again seeing the face of your hearts wildest desire.
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