It's easy to feel connected to girlfriends when you're getting dinner and going shopping and everything in your life is happy and exciting and fun.
It's actually really unnerving to realize when you're hurting that a lot of people not only don't understand, they're judging you and your choices, they're diminishing your feelings, and more than that, they just think you're wrong.
I've learned a really critical lesson this year and that is I actually don't like sharing the raw vulnerability of my heart with most of the people I know.
I finally understand why people don't open up.
Why they're not transparent and vulnerable and honest.
It really fucking sucks when other people open their mouth and make you feel tiny and insignificant because who you are is so vastly different from them.
I've started so many blogs this week and stopped writing them because I don't want to share my thoughts.
I don't want the "friends" who read this and judge me but never reach out and actually see if I'm okay, to get to know any more of my heart.
Because honestly?
Fuck you.
Fuck your judgement and your condescension.
I have felt more comfort from strangers than I have from the people who should know me.
And how the hell is that even possible?
I had a girlfriend who knew she hurt my feelings last week completely ignore me and then say she was "giving me space" because everyone knows I'm the type of person who doesn't want to get conflict resolved and why should you reach out and apologize when I could have space?
Fucking space.
What a joke.
That was her lie for I didn't want to deal with you.
See, the thing of it is, folks.
Friendships are not forever.
Nothing is.
But no one ever wants to talk about the expiration date on female relationships.
Because that would be, oh I don't know, unpleasant.
But I'm going to change.
And because I'm changing I'm going to try new things and make new decisions.
And when you judge my actions you judge me.
And I don't actually want to change who I am for your level of comfort.
I don't actually have to take your advice because you are not actually qualified to give it.
Who the hell do you even think you are?
How come when someone's hurting people don't just say, that really sucks, I'm so sorry, do you wanna go get ice cream and tell me all you're feeling?
No, they're like, well I told you something like this would happen and what did you expect and let it go and find another cock and I'm so fucking mad at everyone I could literally bitch slap them in their smug faces.
Do you know that I have not felt this condescendingly judged in my life since the year people found out I'd had an affair with a married man?
Why do people think they're so together and above everything?
You're not together you're a fucking fraud.
And I haven't done anything for fucks sake!
And the fact you're trying to make me feel bad when I already feel bad is disgusting.
I will totally be okay if you just stalk my social media and occasionally like the photos of trees I post and we never need to actually spend time together again.
Because I would never make you feel small for trying something new.
I would never make you feel wrong for putting yourself out there and living a life grounded in hope.
And I would rather have three friends I can genuinely be my fucked up self with than continue to collect people who don't accept me when I'm broken.
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