Not intentionally.
Though what whore doesn't own her sexual freedom?
Maybe it is intentional.
Just not intentionally intentional.
Like maybe I'll fuck and maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just be really entertained by some poor bastard and write a blog about him.
That'd be keen too.
I don't read the bios.
Tinder has photos and a self description and I almost NEVER read the bio.
Whore sees a hottie she swipes right.
Why do I care that he likes yoga and dive bars and threesomes.
Also, why does every guy on Tinder think we care he likes tacos??
So I used to read them and then I realized it didn't matter cuz hot guy with a stupid bio is still hot guy and average looking guy with a brilliantly written bio is still not gonna see my lacy panties.
So
Yeah.
So I showed up for this date with hot guy.
There was some stupid parade going on--A parade on Friday night?? Really Portland?--and I couldn't find parking ANYWHERE and I was gonna call it, except I had like, four bumble dates flake on me and here I was finally having a tinder date come through CUZ BUMBLE IS THE TINDER FOR MEN WHO ARE AFRAID OF GIRLS and then he called me We hadn't even met and he was calling me? And he said he would come to me and we could drive somewhere else so he showed up and got in my car and we headed to NW where the hipsters drank kombucha and carried their groceries in their arms because kill hate not trees.
We seemed to hit it off right away, conversation was natural, he had an openness and rawness that I was really into.
He was also a little intense and passionate and I wondered if the way he slightly overwhelmed me was the way I made most men feel.
So my girlfriend thinks you're really hot, she can't wait to meet you, he said.
I blinked.
What?
Yeah, you will love her, she's gonna meet up with us later.
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Cool. That's cool.
I sipped my questionable whiskey and opened my mouth to start to speak then stopped.
So. Um. You're poly and your girlfriend's your primary?
Yeah, well, I mean, sort of. She's bi and it's just something we decided to explore recently.
And how long have you been dating?
Eight months.
Oh. And umm...if you're poly how come that wasn't on your profile?
It was on my profile.
I blinked again.
You didn't read my profile, did you?
Whoops.
Guess I really should read the damn bios.
That's cool, I actually didn't really mind, except this wasn't the evening I was expecting to have and now I needed to not only hit it off with one date but two.
But okay.
Sure.
Why the hell not?
The night that then transpired felt like a sequel to Gardenstate but not with the cutest romantic story between Natalie Portman and Zach Braff but just the weird scenes where they're trying to get money so the gravedigger friend can buy back the jewelry he pawned from Zach's dead mother.
That part of the movie.
We drank a ton and ended up at someone's birthday party and then went to my date's apartment so everyone could snort lines of blow and I made a concerted effort to act like it was totally no big deal even though I'd never been around cocaine before and again, I felt like I was in some scene from some movie.
And his girlfriend sat down beside me on the bed and said, I don't do coke either and I thought, well that's cool, we have something in common.
I prefer prescription drugs, she said, and I nodded slowly like, yeah I totally know what you're talking about when I had no idea what she was talking about and I wondered if shit was gonna get really weird but the only thing that happened was one of the girls got really animated talking about her three legged cat and I thought that was a little anticlimactic for witnessing three people do blow.
The night went on and on and more people entered the scene and some woman told me not to trust girls with no shoes on cuz they will steal your money and some couple sat beside us and talked about the stock market for twenty minutes and I thought this was the strangest tinder date I'd ever been on and I was kinda glad I didn't just bail when I couldn't find parking all those hours before.
And the girlfriend and I seemed to hit it off, she was sassy and opinionated and open and I liked that, and my date kept running around talking to every soul that crossed his path, the most extroverted extrovert and I laughed and the girlfriend began to get uneasy, He shouldn't be ignoring us, and I said I didn't mind because we were having fun and he was just enjoying the strangers.
But then she stormed into the bar and spoke something in his ear that stung because the next thing I knew she was storming out of the bar and stomping down the street and I stood there on the corner confused and then my date quickly came running out of the bar and saw me and asked which way she went and I pointed and had a bewildered expression in my eyes because what the fuck.
And he stopped and he looked at me and he tenderly said, She....can be.....very dynamic in her personality.
And his soft eyes smiled and he left me standing there as he ran after her and eventually they came back arm in arm and she told us over nachos she sometimes gets a little aggressive and they were laughing and devouring the chips and I just looked on in wonder.
Because they were both fucking nuts.
I mean, shit, we all were.
But they got each other.
He handled her crazy with a delicate understanding and she let him bring her back to reality and they were so turbulent and passionate and overwhelming.
And it was beautiful.
And I remember walking away from what ended up being our only date thinking that somewhere out there was a man who would look into the eyes of a beautiful stranger and refer to me as dynamic, with the same fear and reverence I saw in his eyes that night.
And that.
Would be amazing.
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