to the man who gave me a pony

I must have been particularly downcast last night because I reached for the stuffed animal you gave me. 

I slept with it often when you gave it to me last year. 

But I hadn't for a long time. 

And I needed it last night. 

It's fuzzy mane fit perfectly under my neck and it was like this calming reassurance to my heart that there is love outside of this pain. 

I remember when you gave it to me I was naked under the covers. 

You tip toed the tiny thing from my navel to my chin until you peeked it's head from under the blanket. 

It was so cheesy adorable and surprisingly unsexual considering we'd just, *cough*, fucked. 

I don't even remember why I'd gotten so pissed at you but you went and done got me a pony because for six years whenever you'd piss me off I'd say, You owe me a pony!

And there it was, snuggled up in my hands, like some treasure, some fuzzy embodiment of sheer affection. 

You felt kind of ridiculous giving it to me, and really a forty year old giving his lover a stuffed animal probably is a little ridiculous, but it was perfect just like you knew it would be, and all these months later it was what brought me comfort when I was feeling so overwhelmingly fucking sad. 

I was playing with Cartier tonight, laying on the floor, and I suddenly remembered how you'd come over and got on your hands and knees and magically charmed my cat. 

Remember that morning you walked in carrying Cartier and I nearly died of shock because my cat HATES men but he loved you. 

And I do too. 

You're ten years older than him which is wild to imagine. 

Two soul mates, so very far apart. 

He blocked me again. 

Phone and social media this time. 

Like Kai. 

Why are all the men I love so afraid of me, Batman?

You've never been.  

You're the only one. 

And you have no idea how much comfort it brings me knowing you would never shut me out entirely. 

Not like they did. 

It's almost our season, you know. 

The leaves will nearly change color and you'll wear those cabbie hats I adore and the moon will be so bright and so close you'll want to reach out and touch it. 

Like me. 

The moon. 

All this pain has happened and I thought of you and wished you'd hear my heart crying but I remembered this isn't our season and I won't hear from you for several months. 

Men and their seasons. 

His, the spring. 

Yours, the fall. 

The winter does get so terribly lonely. 

But you know it only took one night with you last year to make me forget about him entirely. 

I wonder if that's what his girlfriend does for him....

Make him forget me entirely....

But I don't get to keep you so then I am reminded of both losses. 

And it's okay because somehow I know we're gonna end up together when we're old and tired and it will be enough just to stare into each other's shimmering eyes. 

One look from you and all the cares in my world melted away. 

I have always been a goddess to you. 

And not because I was some mere fantasy. 

But because I am a woman you adore.

No one else has ever done that to me. 

The man I'm pining for now makes me doubt all the wild cries within my heart.

He always has.

Because I have only ever been a fantasy in his eyes. 

But You..

You, my darling, are possibly the only man who loves how absolutely crazy my wild heart can be. 

And you will always be the one because of it.