all the same & changed entirely

One of the last times I climbed I felt really timid.

Climbing is one of those things where when you don't go regularly you lose strength.

You'll climb a slightly lower grade.

Moves that you once could do suddenly become more difficult. 

And in my case, I lost my courage. 

I started to climb a route I know I'm capable of doing.

But I suddenly felt overwhelmed. 

And frightened. 

And I just quit. 

My eyes met a girl who had been watching me.

It's so scary, I admitted.

You're not scared. It's hard.

No, I thought, I'm scared. 

You don't know me or why this is twice as hard as it should be. 

And she sat on the bench beside me and maybe I could have met a new climbing buddy. 

But I grabbed my bag and left. 

I just wanted to be alone. 

Sometimes it's more lonely being around someone who doesn't understand you. 

I heard this quote today, I collect people.

And it made me think of my friends. 

And I don't seem to be very good at love interests. 

But I am good at collecting kindred spirits. 

And it still bothers me what happened with Marvin. 

Even though it was my decision to end it. 

And my decision to block his number. 

But it's kinda sad, to realize you can still be so terribly wrong about a person. 

And sometimes even wrong about yourself.  

I didn't think I was still that girl who got scared to climb. 

I thought I'd sended enough routes to trust myself. 

But I don't yet. 

And I don't really trust my heart either. 

It seems a silly little minx.

Following its feelings like some fleeting dream. 

But I guess I'm still the girl who believes in love.

Even though I've seen enough dead ends to not trust myself. 

But I guess I do. 

In some ways.

On some days. 

And the rest of the time I'm giving myself permission to be a little terrified. 

To hide from the Chad's & the Oscar's & the Matthew's, who have no concern for my passionate little heart. 

And I know there will come a time where the adventurer in me will remember how brave she is. 

And she'll climb again. 

And she'll love again. 

And she will most assuredly fall. 

Hard. 

But somehow even in the failure, she'll feel joy.

Because she always does. 

I do.

Because that's the truest cry of my heart.