How they have a need to be everywhere something might happen and be around everyone.
And all at once also have an overwhelming need to be alone to process things, to create.
And that pretty much summed up my night.
A girl I don't really know had a gig tonight for her band I'd never heard.
And a large part of me wanted to go and be a part of it.
And another part of me really wanted to be alone with my cat.
And that's what I ended up doing.
And even though it was delightful, still a part of me felt that maybe I had missed out on something tonight.
And that's pretty much what every day is like being me.
A friend told me that after five years he realized his entire relationship with his girlfriend was spent with them always looking to the future.
They were always so busy making plans, for when they'd move here, when they'd be on to the next leg of their journey, that somewhere along the way they forgot how to be present with each other.
And he was at a loss.
And it's so strange to watch someone in turmoil over their relationship, a relationship you will never understand.
I couldn't possibly.
I think my favorite thing about relationships is the exclusivity and privacy that only you and that person will ever understand.
Like how I seemed to be in this silent disagreement with a girlfriend and it took five minutes together to forget all of it.
Or how I will forever remember the insane joy and shock and awe when the bartender leaned in and kissed my friend, after months of what seemed a one sided infatuation.
Or the way that I know, that no matter what, there is nothing, that could ever keep my once in a full moon lover from always contacting me. Always.
The way I understand what still exists between the kid who missed his bus to sit with me, and that I also understand our story will never continue.
I know that I am a creature who lives in each moment.
And it's hard for me to look far ahead to something that seems so uncertain.
But I admire those who can.
And I admire the dreamers, and the truth seekers, and the lovers, the sisters who nurture my soul.
And I wonder if, for all the moments I missed, any could be more precious than the ones I'm swinming in.
The ones I chose.
That chose me.
That I stumbled upon.
In spite of myself.
And as I said goodnight to my friend, so conflicted about what to do in his relationship, it was vividly clear.
It's not complicated, doll. Nothing happened. You just drifted apart. So you'll either figure out how to come back together or you'll move on.
Because that's what this is.
This story.
Stops and turns.
And figures and shadows.
And you decide, I choose, which step I take next.
And who towards.
What I will tolerate.
And what is beyond my balance.
And we will miss out on some of it.
But nothing that we don't absolutely need.
Right now.
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