the start of an ending

I'm finding it mildly disturbing how easy it's becoming to cut ties with people in my life.

I used to be the type of girl whose soul shattered whenever someone didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. 

And today I thought about how I would feel if I never heard from the kid I've been seeing the last several months.  

And I didn't feel sad. 

And I felt like that said a lot. 

Do you know that I heard from The Phantom for the first time in ages and we were texting and he wanted to be friends and I should have been elated. 

But then one day his message was uncharacteristically sweet and affectionate and I remembered he had a girlfriend and I found it confusing. 

So I wrote him back my trepidation and uncertainty and wonder over his sudden outpour of admiration and do you know what he said?

I just don't know how to reply to this right now.

And there it was. 

The actual truth. 

Hidden behind a barrage of flattery and kissy face emojis was the boy who could only ever hide from me. 

Last year he refused to ever meet me.

And now he refused to acknowledge what should be a simple concern. 

But I'm not a simple girl. 

And he knows that. 

And some men don't know how to handle a complicated woman. 

Some find its easier to hide behind their phone. 

So I told him not to text me anymore because I'm disinterested in feigned affection. 

It's like an extension of our first Tinder messages when it should have been an extension of the way he looked at me across his guitar.  

But I'm craving transparency. 

I've felt more passion alongside the women in my life than the men in my sheets. 

And that is telling. 

The women I adore are so overwhelmingly genuine I swear I fall deeper in love with each of them after every conversation and every late night we spend together. 

And then there are the men in my life. 

The boys?

Who instead leave me scratching my head in confusion and feeling further away even after I kiss his forehead in the morning. 

Finding a lover who will be as raw with me as my best friends is mind numbingly difficult. 

It baffles me that I can be so compatible with so many fiery, passionate women. 

And the men I sleep with lack any and all consistency. 

They're all over the fucking map. 

And I'm actually. 

Done following them. 

I feel rather impatient. 

I don't want to spend time with anyone who doesn't nourish my soul the way my kindreds do. 

And I have to believe there exists a male version of my love affairs meaningful enough to be worth my thoughts and energy. 

But it was with surprising ease I re deleted The Phantom's number. 

And with equal swiftness I deleted Marvin's. 

My gay boyfriend I spent the entire summer & fall in love with hasn't contacted me for two seasons. 

And I'm sad to say I've forgotten I miss him. 

Because the only people I want in my story are the ones aching to be a part of it. 

And so far that only casts several gorgeous bitches, my parents, and one star-crossed lover whose terribly perfect for me in some other lifetime. 

I kind of want to eliminate the excess from my life. 

The place holders. 

And the ones we settle for. 

The warm bodies and the folks who'll never change. 

I don't actually need them even though my heart really wants to believe in someone. 

For now, that someone is Reese.

And she's kind of becoming a badass.

Or at least realizing she always was. 

In spite of the wrong guys.

And the wrong times. 

And even the right guys. 

At the wrong times. 

They're still not right. 

For me.

And this is kind of my story.