Like these dreams that only happen while in the deepest rems.
And when you wake up you feel like you're stepping out of another world where the air is richer and when you open your eyes you suddenly breathe heavily because you don't know where you are or what's actually happening.
I couldn't help it. I can't help myself when I'm around you.
I assumed he would be there, even though he wasn't the reason we were going to his bar.
But I wasn't anxious because he'd texted me that week and even called.
So I guess that meant we were..cool..?
Even if I had no idea what cool actually meant.
I only wanted one thing from him that night--
I wanted him to see me in this dress and look into my eyes.
I just wanted to be seen.
I guess the times we let go of all expectation are the times we get everything?
I've never stopped thinking about you.
I saw her guy standing outside, the real reason my friend and I were meeting there that night, to visit the object of her desire.
I walked over to him while he finished his cigarette and we talked for a fraction of a minute.
Hey Sparkles, I suddenly heard from behind me, and there he was walking toward me, the object of my own desire.
My friends crush quickly left us and then we were just two.
Standing there.
Looking into each other's eyes.
I still remember everything. If I could draw I could draw it all right now. From memory.
As I fought back the urge to ask for a drag of his cigarette I realized I'd already gotten all I'd hoped for.
And the night hadn't even started.
I told him about being at the theatre that night, about how incredible it had felt to have strangers come up to me and recognize me from the play I'd done eight months earlier, how they'd wanted to know when I'd be performing again.
Well you're really talented so of course they remember you, and I told you, that face, you've got a face people don't forget.
I beamed.
I may have even blushed in the dark.
He already made me feel seen and we weren't even inside yet.
I'd been so sad he'd missed my show last summer because I wanted him to see what a star I was.
But he already knew.
He'd already seen me perform once before.
And it suddenly didn't matter anymore that he never saw my show.
A tiny crack in my heart filled with his praise and I felt a surge of joy permeate my whole being.
What is this--why are we?
I don't know but I've been trying to ignore my feelings for you for a long time.
What? You have?? Why?
Because. It's so much.
I walked inside and my friend soon joined me at the bar.
And even though he was off, he didn't leave.
He sat down beside me.
And didn't leave my side.
For the next six hours.
I've had three hours of sleep the past two nights. The only reason I'm here right now is because of you.
I didn't understand what was happening as we whiled away the hours, as we all shared the cigarettes I stole from his jacket pocket, as the whiskey poured and I sipped his drink when he wasn't looking.
And we laughed like we hadn't lost touch so violently for so long.
I can't believe its been a year.
It feels like it was yesterday.
My friend was happy and her crush was happy and I was happy and he couldn't stop staring at me.
And I still didn't have any idea what was happening.
When you look into my eyes your breathing rate increases.
I'd been so focused on being my friends wingman I hadn't expected an adventure of my own.
We left the bar so they could close and to my surprise and delight, he came with us.
I'm getting her nachos and you a Jameson, he said when I met him waiting in line at this other bar.
I smiled because he knew what we both wanted and I wanted to kiss him but I didn't know if I should.
I imagined I'd crack the delicate spell we seemed to be under.
I've fantasized about this so many times, you looking at me like that again.
He sat beside me in the booth and that's when I felt myself slip away, right back into the depths of his gaze, like even after all this time and all we'd put each other through, it was still home, I was drowning, falling deep under his spell once again.
The entirety of the bar, even my friend, faded away.
Until we were the only two sitting there.
Sublimely content.
And then we were outside, my friend and I, waiting.
An older gentleman approached me with drunken compliments, which I accepted politely.
He came bounding out of the bar and threw his arm around my waist, Ready to go, baby?
And as we three walked off, giggling, Did you see the look on that guys face?
But all I could think was how wonderful it felt to hear him call me baby and to feel that his arm was still around my waist as we continued walking.
I've never kissed anyone the way I kiss you. And you've never kissed anyone the way you kiss me.
My friend left with her crush and everyone had scattered so late in the night as him and I stood in the same spot he'd greeted me that night.
The air grew deeply quiet and he drew his face near mine, Is this a good idea?
I don't know, I said, But you want to anyway.
And he kissed me.
And when he finally stopped, that word, thee word, that always danced on his tongue when we'd kissed so intensely so long ago resonated in both our ears.
Fuck.
And I laughed.
Because everything was different now.
But somehow, in spite of us, we weren't.
It was all still there, with the same delicious intensity of that first magical night.
And then he kissed me again.
And to my surprise, I never woke up.
I had found my way back to Wonderland.
There are many wishes I'm still wishing.
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