I remember when I was a teenager and Macy made me a mixed tape he titled 'The Longest Goodbye' that summer we spent every day together and he waited until I was leaving for school to tell me he loved me.
And the mixed cds Nick made me, several years apart, the first titled 'Some songs I burnt onto a cd to give to Teresa.'
I held onto those for so long.
Music used to be this way to express all that was chaotic in your heart.
I haven't even made one for somebody in six years.
I fucking miss that stuff.
A girlfriend I hadn't seen in ages made plans to meet up.
And for some reason, the tiny bar we went to once last summer came to mind.
Remember that place we went that had coloring night that one time?
Oh yeah, let's go there!
And it was settled.
And I suppose divine synchronicity would have her way that night because the Monday we went was apparently coloring night.
And we were ridiculously ecstatic, like two little girls the night before their birthday.
The picture they handed us was a drawing of a girl straight out of the twenties, her short bob tucked neatly under her hat, a mischievous smirk on her face.
I felt like it was a picture of me, so I colored her hair black and even gave her a beauty mark just to the left of her mouth.
At the bottom of the picture it read, Turn in your picture for a prize everyone wins a prize.
But then the little girl inside me suddenly felt conflicted.
I wanted to keep my picture.
It was a picture of me, after all (as all little girls think when they color a picture of a beautiful girl).
But I also wanted a prize!
I wanted both!
Realizing how ludicrous I was being (I was sipping an Americano cocktail, for fucks sake, if I drank Campari I could surely adult) I put on my big girl pants and resolved to give up my artistic masterpiece to claim my mysterious surprise.
I walked up to the DJ gingerly carrying my finished picture like it was a thin sheet of gold plated glass.
Here, I said, slightly begrudgingly, as I handed him my self portrait.
Here you go, and he handed me a cd.
It's a mix of songs from the 60's. I make them from my vinyl collection, a lot of random stuff most people haven't heard of.
My eyes lit up.
I clutched the paper envelope like it was the winning lottery ticket.
No way! I finally exclaimed. That's amazing! I was just thinking how much I wanted a mixed cd!
And then I saw a coloring book on display with all the drawings that had been a part of past nights coloring Monday's.
I handed him ten dollars and walked away with my treasures like it really was my birthday.
And as I drove home, the cd blaring in my car, with songs I'd never heard before and instantly loved, I laughed.
And laughed.
I was giddy.
And I couldn't stop smiling.
Because sometimes the subtle cries of our heart can so easily be fulfilled, when we stop holding on, when we let go of the things we really don't need anymore.
When we let the people leave who have to go, so the people who need to stay have room to sit.
And I didn't think I could be any happier.
I trusted my life.
I trusted the vibrant cries of my heart.
No one else knew what I needed.
But me.
Me alone.
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