All Kinds of Enamored

I heard this podcast called Modern Love and there was this one where this husband goes to his wife and tells her he wants a divorce and the wife responds with, Ok, but I don't believe you. And I thought, that sounds just like Reese. 

And I thought, that does sound like something I'd say. 

I don't know if that makes me stubborn or makes me wise but I definitely have a defiant spirit. 

When my heart is convicted about something I do not give up. 

I clench tightly with the jaws of life until me or them tirelessly give in. 

You're right. That's hard for me to say because I'm always right. But you're right. I have nothing to counter that. 

Because you're in love with me, asshole. 

Even your mom knows it. 

Actually.

I had this dream I was at your family's house and I was singing Frozen songs to your little brother and everyone fell in love with me and it was like a real Disney movie only in Arizona. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually glad I've spent so much time NOT getting what I want. 

It makes me so appreciative of everything that is. 

I haven't heard from him in two days?

Two days??

HA.

Try eight months, bitch.

I could namaste the fuck out of waiting. 

I've already mastered some Schumann and thrown out some clothing and pet Cartier so much my couch now has fur. 

And I was right. 

You are right.

I wanted to haunt you while you tried to be with her. 

What if I told you I did think of you?

Then I'd say I knew it. 

Fucking right. 

Jesus. 

Jesus. I literally just called upon the supposed son of God in talking about what you do to me. Jesus. That about sums it up. 

I don't need more. 

I want more. 

But I don't need it. 

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

To be absolutely shaking in ecstasy at the mere thought of looking once again into his eyes. 

And also almost casual in acceptance over the reality that it may not happen anytime soon. 

Denial?

Doubtful. 

I've already lost him twice. 

Twice. 

Most people think they won't survive losing someone once let alone realizing their endurance over the same pain twice. 

But I have. 

I have survived. 

I got my wretched little heart shattered and then reshattered so I know I am going to be fine. 

There isn't this choking urgency like if I can't have it I'll die I'll never have it I have to have it what will I do if I can't. 

No. 

There is rather a calm acceptance. 

A trust. 

I'm sorry I didn't trust you, trust what was really going on. 

No. That is literally the dumbest thing you've ever said. I gave you no reason to trust me. 

And yet here I am. 

I am crazy. 

And I'm wrong about a lot of fucking things. 

But even my girlfriend who secretly kind of hates him said, Well there must be something there for it to last this long. 

So I don't even care. 

Of course I care. 

But I'm not fretting. 

And I always fucking fret.

I have anxious attachment, for fucks sake. 

If I don't hear from my lovers I fear something's wrong and they're gonna cut me out forever. 

(And to be fair, sometimes they do.)

But I have no anxiety this time. 

Is this patience that I'm feeling??

Has my heart matured to a love that accepts instead of demands?

That'd be pretty fuckin rad. 

I could get used to that chick.

And also.

Seriously. 

How long

Really

Could he possibly stay away?