I want you to remember.
Last night you felt like such a fool.
You let your longing dull your vibrance.
You reached out and he viewed it eight minutes later but said nothing.
Because now it's been three weeks.
And nothing has changed.
The next time you think you miss him or that what you had is special I want you to remember today.
The day you decided to cut your addiction.
It's not fair. He gets to watch you, and follow everything you post, see everything that's going on in your life, and look at all your pictures and just say nothing. You get nothing. And he gets all that.
And the morning after realizing it would never stop, your attempts to reconnect, your desire to reach out, to get some reaction, something, anything, fucking tell you to fuck off FUCK.
The morning you decided you were out of control.
You are an addict.
The morning you decided your best friend was right, it wasn't fair, and he needed to no longer watch your life.
The morning you blocked him on Instagram and Facebook, you felt a little stronger.
And even proud of yourself.
Day 1 of detox, fast, no contact the month of June.
What can I do to support you in this endeavor? Besides confiscating your phone for the entire month?
You felt the support of your friends.
The day you blocked him you got your first paid modeling gig.
You joined the site a week ago and had no idea what to expect.
All because the photographer said you are a natural and were born to do this.
Because he believed in you.
So you built a profile.
And the day you blocked him you got your first message.
Please let me know if you can work it out, looking at your pictures I think you will be wonderful for this.
And when you asked your manager if you could come in late to work that day to take the gig, he said, Absolutely, no question.
The day you blocked him you officially became a model.
You felt giddy and so fucking excited.
The photographer already mentioned a second shoot and he hadn't even worked with you yet.
And you were so loved at work they had no problem working with your schedule.
You felt valued and remembered you're good at your job.
The day you blocked him you opened up several accounts and hit your sales goal you set for the month even though the past few weeks you were so fucking sad you barely sold anything.
Because you were numb. Because he stole your joy.
The day you blocked him you went home on your lunch break and played the piano and sang some of your favorite songs.
And Cartier jumped on the couch to listen and he told you he missed listening to you sing and you missed it too because singing is your gift and sitting at your piano by the window makes you happy.
Today you forgot to feel sad because you were too busy remembering to be happy.
Today you remembered how much you love Kinderschenen and how you wanted to start playing it again.
You decided to go to Powell's after work to get the book your friend messaged you about and to get the book the artist at coloring night had recommended.
You were already in workout clothes so you planned on going for a run around the waterfront.
You remembered how much you love running and you were excited at the idea of finally making time for it again.
The day you blocked him your new lover texted you.
I'm free whenever!
And you suddenly felt really happy about seeing his smiling face in those black glasses again.
And your friend you hadn't hung out with in months said he could grab a drink after work and you talked for hours and you hadn't even realized how much you'd missed him, how his presence calmed your spirit.
And he reminded you he'd told you it was a trap months ago and when he hugged you goodbye you both held on a little longer but that was enough because sometimes love didn't need to manifest in full passion sometimes it remained controlled and only fluttered in his green eyes every once in awhile.
The day you blocked him your friend texted you Umm this notification just popped up.
$737 14 Hour Flight to Dublin
And you did it you fucking booked your flight the day you blocked him your dream became a reality, the urge you felt outside the Mediterranean last fall, I think I'd like to visit Ireland and she'd dreamed she'd been in Ireland too, I was with a girl, maybe it was you?
And he had said Oh is it a pipe dream when you told him you were going to Ireland too because he didn't believe you didn't believe in you didn't see you as anyone worthy of adventure capable of greatness.
And you are.
And when you logged on to your computer you hadn't been on in months, months and months, and when you went to choose your seat the messages popped up You're repeating yourself...You're grasping at straws....Your friends are right.
Fuck he was mean.
FUCKING MEAN.
Exactly one fucking mirrored year ago.
FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK
YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU
The day you blocked him you took your life back.
You didn't feel sad one minute of the day.
Not a single fucking one.
You felt alive and full of hope and talented and beautiful and desired and excited
For life
You felt excited about your life again.
Because he was no longer a part of it.
No longer an observer of it.
He was gone.
You were free.
The day you blocked him you let in love and light.
Something you hadn't felt something you'd tried to feel wanted to feel for him through him never with him.
And you climbed into bed that night finally balanced finally sane and at peace, your heart at rest.
The day you blocked him you were finally yourself again.
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