sabotage

There's this scene in He's just not that into you that I absolutely love and it's such a small moment but it's just so fucking real and it's exactly how I felt last night. 

Jennifer Connely finds out her husband has been lying to her, after all the shit she's already endured and tried to forgive and she takes the mirror from the wall and smashes it into a hundred pieces in a rage. And then realizing she now has to deal with that, throws her head back, the way a child might when you tell them they have to go to bed, and then quietly goes to get a broom and dust pan to clean up the mess she just made. 

It's brilliant and it's accurate and I fucking love it. 

I got home yesterday and decided to clean. 

I had to clean. 

I hate cleaning. 

But I'm so sick of so much shit, I am like, buried in stuff, I can't breathe, I don't enjoy it. 

And I looked in my closet and said, I just want all of this gone. 

So I started with the floor, with the dirty clothes and threw them in a pile in the hallway. 

And then the shoes. 

So many fucking shoes I never wear I don't even want to wear I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. 

And I made a pile of shoes in the living room, so many pairs, until there were fewer shoes in my closet than in the donate pile. 

And it felt good. 

It felt good to be purging my life. 

And I started on the clothes that were hanging and the clothes that were folded and I was shocked by how easy it was to take shirt after sweater and pants I FUCKING HATE PANTS and SHORTS??

When the hell have I ever worn shorts??

And soon I had bag upon bag and my closet was looking emptier and emptier and I was on a role and I didn't fucking need any of it.  

I didn't need these THINGS I didn't need HIM I was strong and resilient and determined. 

And then I stood in front of the closet one more time, the empty black hangers scattered in crazy directions, the pristine dresses staring at me I hadn't even touched yet, my cat sitting in a new corner he'd never sat in because it had been buried by shoes for years and I threw my head down the way Jennifer Connely threw hers back and I suddenly felt crushed by the feeling of, I don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to deal with any of this. 

I don't want to have to purge my life. 

I want to already be done with this part.

I want my apartment to already be clean and I want him to fix this and I just fucking want what he said would be mine. 

I want to take you somewhere new, somewhere neither of us have been, somewhere near my place.

I WANT MY FUCKING DATE YOU PROMISED ME YOU ASSHOLE

What the hell happened?

Where did you go?

Did you get in a violent accident and lose both your hands so you had no way to dial a phone and fucking call me??

What EVENT could justify making plans, making OVERTURES about all your feelings your fucking feeeeeeeelings and then disappearing AGAIN??

WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME 

fucking fuck FUCK FUUUUUUCK

And then I layed down on my bed and I sobbed. 

I fucking wept. 

And I realized I am never going to hear his voice again, that voice that called me five minutes after talking to me on the phone for hours just to say I just wanted to say I can't stop thinking about you and then I remembered I still have a saved voicemail, a saved voicemail from fourteen months ago because I could never bring myself to delete it and I hit play and his soft voice crooned in my room Hey Love, it's Matthew..and I started crying harder because this message was a YEAR. OLD. It was so old and it felt like the exact way he talked to me a WEEK AGO a fucking week it was all still there, still amorous affectionate intensity and everyone thinks I'm MAD they think I'm crazy because of YOU because you've consistently been inconsistent with my life with your presence not in my life your shadow never giving me peace. 

And now everyone's like, let it go, Reese, there's plenty of fish in the sea, Reese, you're better off without him, Reese NO OK NO IM REALLY NOT IM FINE YES I WILL BE FUCKING FINE BUT IM NOT BETTERRRRRR IM NOT BETTER OFF IM LESS OFF IM WITHOUT A REALLY FUCKING RARE INTENSE INSANE CONNECTION I'm not better ok? So please stop saying I am. I'm not. I'm not better I'm without. I'm without my hearts greatest desire, a desire that has stayed in me and will never leave me. 

So stop.  

Fucking STOP.

Ok?

Please?

Please stop telling me how much 

B E t t E r 

Off

I am.

I'm not. 

I'm fucking sad. 

And confused. 

And I set this boundary because I KNOW I can't live 

Like this. 

I did this. 

But I can still HATE it even though it was my idea. 

I can still WANT him even though I will never. Have him. 

I don't want to numb the pain I just want to be through it. 

I don't want to fuck someone else I just want to be alone. 

I want every man to go away to leave me alone to stop lying to me about all the things they will never do and never be and I just want to be fucking left in peace. 

He will never be strong enough to look me in the eyes and hold my hand and just stand on that fucking bridge and be scared. 

And last night I had a dream we were at his bar and he came up to me and I recoiled. 

I jerked my body away from his touch and I glared at him and I said nothing. 

And I walked away.  

The man has even destroyed my dreams of him. 

And fucking hell. 

He could have at least left me with that.