A lot.
My taste in men is questionable.
In general my life decisions are questionable.
Sometimes I'm not really sure I should be allowed to claim myself as an adult because my life choices often call that into question.
My co worker dubbed me last week "the office soap opera."
Someone else pointed out that's better than being the office bitch, so I guess there's that.
But the one GOOD thing from making so many poor life choices is that I have actually learned from them.
One would fucking hope, Jesus.
And one mistake I definitely made that resonates with my spirit is after I broke up with Kai.
I ended things-it was the first time in my life I ever broke up with any man I'd loved-but I then continued to spend time with him constantly for well over a year afterwards.
So I never really chose my choice.
And what's worse, I ended things because he wasn't treating me right, and the more time we spent together "as friends"--friends who occasionally fucked, as friends who dated are wont to do--the worse his treatment of me became.
There was one time in particular, I remember, we had been hanging out and he asked me to leave so Elena could come over, a girl he'd been dating, to see if they could work things out.
He sort of threw me out of his apartment but said I could come back later.
And yes, I am ashamed to write this, I left and went to some coffee shop to wait for his text like some loyal puppy and once I read She's gone I headed back to his apartment.
Ugh. I could punch myself.
Then, and yes that isn't even the him treating me bad part, he was all fucking moody and sad because she dumped his ass and decided he kinda wanted to go to Home Depot to get parts to build a (I honestly don't even fucking remember, some sciencey nerdtastic pretend he actually knows what he's doing accelerator) and I wanted to help or make him feel better --because that's what you do when you love someone-- and since he NEVER HAD A FUCKING CAR I drove him out to the burbs and spent like, a fucking hour? Maybe longer? As he wandered around the depot getting his stupid parts and once I drove him back to his place he spent the rest of the evening ignoring me, working on his project and when he did talk to me he was rude and snapped at me and basically treated me like shit.
Now.
Did I separate myself from his toxic behavior and lack of appreciation for how loving I was?
Of course not.
I continued to stick around.
I continued to endure his treatment of me like I was some dirty old homeless dog he occasionally fed his leftovers to.
I even let him move in with me when he had no place to go until one day I finally lost it and screamed at him in my living room that he was such a loser and he moved out that weekend.
I always felt that while he did treat me terribly I ALLOWED HIM TO.
And that somewhere along the way he lost respect for me because he watched me stay and allow myself to let him treat me that way and I literally watched him fall out of love with me and how can a man love a woman who respects herself so little to stick around to be treated like garbage?
And I've ALWAYS felt like part of the demise of our relationship was my fault.
And I NEVER want to be that girl again.
Love doesn't mean enduring lousy treatment.
Sometimes love means leaving.
So that's what I decided to do today.
I thought about Matthew's behavior and how violently inconsistent he's always been.
I thought about how fucked up it is to call a girl in the middle of the night and talk to her for six hours and tell her you're in love with her and then not show up on your date.
And I thought about how being ghosted by him Yet. Again. when he's already done this, let me in and then pushed me away and then let me in and then push me away and then let me in and then push me away and it's actually really disgusting how many times he's repeated his wretched behavior.
And I remembered Kai.
And remembered being the girl waiting in the coffee shop for him to say I could come back over.
And here I was years later waiting for some other boy to send me a text to say it was ok for me to come back over.
And I thought, NO.
No to all of it.
No to his inconsistency.
No to his entitlement to my body.
No to his bad behavior, his bad decisions, his unloving actions, his lack of appreciation for how wonderful I am.
There are consequences for our actions and his choices now include a life without me.
Not out of spite or anger or trying to prove a point.
But out of love.
Love for myself.
Love for him.
Love for the fact that he could never love a woman who endured such mistreatment and I could never love a man who continued to treat me the way that he has.
So I've ended it.
I opened my heart and my life to him, I offered up complete forgiveness and a clean slate, and he gave me silence.
He ghosted me.
He did the one thing he knows hurts me.
Intentionally.
Because he's broken.
And unable to love.
And I don't actually have to forgive him anymore.
I'm grateful that this all happened.
I am.
I learned the truth to a story that's haunted me.
And I passed a life test and learned that I have more self love than a need to be loved.
And that feels incredible.
I will walk away from this and I will heal and I will love again.
And I will love deeper than he will ever experience.
And I will even be surprised at how quickly I am able to forget him.
And he.
He will never stop thinking about me.
And he will continue to be haunted by our story.
And he will always regret how terribly he treated me, the woman who scared the shit out of him, the woman he could never attain.
Now is his painful mistake.
And when he has a chance years from now, I hope he'll have learned from it.
And feel proud of himself for not treating the most important woman to his heart like she's insignificant.
I hope for her sake he does learn.
And maybe her happiness will have a tiny bit to do with the pain I'm enduring right now.
That would make me really happy.
And in spite of all he's put me through, I even hope he's happy too.
No comments:
Post a Comment