A normal reaction would have been to tell him what I thought, yes I do believe, no I don't believe, whatever feelings I had on the subject.
But I think I've established I'm not a normal person and I never have normal reactions so instead of saying anything I was silent.
Ooh, she doesn't say anything. What does that mean? He didn't accept my lack of participation.
Which annoyed me.
Did I mention I'm not sleeping with him?
We don't need to talk about that, I said curtly.
And just kept walking.
What the poor bastard didn't understand was a couple months ago, it may have even been the first night he invited me over?, my ex lover and I had been sitting outside-in the middle of the night? early morning? I guess if it's dark out we consider it night? even if it's 4am?-And he brought up God too.
Do you believe in God?
Yes.
I don't believe in God.
I know, I remember. You said something about it last year.
What exactly do you believe?
I was hesitant to share with him because, well, one, religion is a really personal experience.
And unfortunately, regardless of who it is or even if they may believe similarly to you, people are incredibly judgemental about it.
And that kinda fucking sucks.
In my twenties I actually had a girl break up with me, probably my first girl crush, if I'm honest, she fascinated me so, and we developed such an intimacy, practicing our Italian after class, her teaching me about wine, she was like a sister to me.
And then one night she took me out under the guise of celebrating my birthday and she wanted to end things.
Simply because I believed in God.
I just don't see how we can be friends when we so fundamentally disagree.
It was traumatizing.
And then there was my first love who played Radiohead's How to disappear completely over and over again when we were supposed to be painting his room because if I believed in God that meant I must believe he was going to hell and how could I really love him if I believed that.
And fuck, I didn't know.
I felt like I was being punished for sharing something he forced me to share.
So now I usually don't share it with anyone.
There have actually been a lot of people throughout my life who've wanted to verbally go at war with me when they found out I believe in a god instead of don't believe in one and it'd be funny if it wasn't sad because I've never tried to argue with anyone about why they believe differently.
And when my ex lover pushed me to confess my faith it was really uncomfortable.
I was genuinely conflicted.
I didn't actually want to share it with him.
At all.
But I liked him.
And he's a moody fuck.
And I kinda felt like I had to.
Later he tried to convince me the connection we had was purely sexual.
Because I guess talking for hours about God and supernovas is what you do with every pussy that's just a pussy.
Fuck.
So this other date, this harmless kid I will never have sex with brings up God in conversation, probably just genuinely curious and maybe wanting to have a philosophical conversation and I completely shut him down.
Because I already talked to one wrong guy about it when that part of me is none of his fucking business.
And I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice.
Do you ever pray?
The ex lover had asked me.
And I smiled.
Because I used to pray for him every time I ran across the Hawthorne bridge.
I told him I sent him love and light.
Which is often all a prayer is.
Heal him, Lord.
And bring him joy today.
It seems like so long ago.
That summer I missed him desperately.
And a year from now, so will this.
And I'm looking forward to that.
To this seeming like a long time ago.
That is my prayer.
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