the sub switch

I told my friend that if I ever got to meet Benedict Cumberbatch I would wanna kiss him. 

Just kissing? She asked me.

No, you're right, I'd want more than that.

I know you, she replied. You'd be like, go to the bedroom and wait for me.

She's right. 

I would. 

When I was in second grade my Mother went to a parent teacher conference and the teacher told her, Teresa is a very sensual child.

Mother said she didn't quite know how to respond to that. 

In this case it wasn't Maybelline.

I was just born with it. 

Being sensual from the time you're too young to know what that word even means has its benefits. 

I've never been shy.  

I remember playing that game in elementary school where we'd chase the boys around the playground and if we caught them we'd kiss them. 

And I ALWAYS caught them. 

Then I grew up and somehow, all through my twenties, I always managed to get what I wanted. 

If I liked a guy I could always get him to go out with me. 

Maybe just for the night, but still. 

I knew how to get men to give me what I wanted. 

Temporarily.

The problem with that was one day I met a guy who never gave me what I wanted. 

We dated. 

But everything was on his terms. 

It took him eight months before he ever told me I was beautiful. 

I was mystified. 

Why did you date him for so long? you might ask.

I honestly have no idea. 

I also preceded to then be obsessed with him for years after we broke up. 

After I broke up with him, I might add. 

He was just so different from any other guy I'd ever known. 

Something about him both intrigued and frustrated me. 

I'd been assertive, hell, I'd even been aggressive, my whole life with men. 

I'd meet a guy and think he was cute and say, You should take me out sometime. 

And as a result the majority of guys I went for were shy, more introverted guys. 

And a lot of those guys were just as shy in the bedroom. 

But that wasn't what I really wanted. 

But I didn't know what I wanted because I'd never experienced it. 

Well after me dominating my relationships in my twenties I realized how incredibly unsexy it is when a man can't make a decision.

When he doubted himself in life. 

When he was hesitant during sex. 

Would you believe I once dated a guy who pulled out during the first time we had sex and declared, We can't do this!!

Hey buddy.

It's been DONE.

So #lifegoals and all that rubbish.

Finding a man who could handle my sass in life.

And my sub in bed.

And maybe mystify me but still be able to tell me I'm beautiful. 

For fucks sake.

Trial and error, my pets.

You see a slew of bad suitors. 

And I see a fine tuning of the hobby I call-

MEN.